I am trying to keep my word and continue with the postings. So far this is my second post in well over 9 months so we will see if I can keep it going this time. I think I mentioned before how absolutely awful it is to see how much pain I was in for so many years. To think I allowed myself to stay so wrapped up in a man who thought very little of me in the end. I cant say that I dont still love him though. My daughter and I were driving about a week ago and we were talking about this guy I just met and had been out with a few times. Sure I liked him but I am so skeptical at this point and I do not let people in based on past experience. As we were talking she told me I wasnt over Jon. Now it has been 4 months or so and I havent mentioned him in months yet withing 5 minutes of her comment silent tears were streaming down my face as I argued the point with her...It was pretty useless trying to change her mind with the tears sliding down my face. Truth of the matter is that he will always have a place but it does not own me anymore and I am really open to finding someone else. Trouble with that is that I dont trust anyone I meet and I am constantly questioning their motives. They are either perfect for me and they dont want to date me or they do want to date me and Something is wrong with them....does that make any sense?? I dont think it does but ANYWAY!! lol

I just got home from spending the weekend with my mom. She had a huge KY Derby Party and it was my new debut since my surgery. I couldnt believe the response I got from them but it was really nice to have so many compliments for all the hard work I have put in to losing weight again. The party was a hit and my mom shined as usual. I didnt end up winning the pot and Gabe was really disappointed he didnt either. He had the horse that was SUPPOSE to win but what about a 50:1 horse pulling it out!! Amazing...

Hannah didnt go with us to mom's because she had a violin performance at DollyWood. She has been super excited about it for a long while so I could understand her not going. Its so funny with her...She barely talks to me now and she is always brooding about one thing or the other. She really wants no part of me as she gets older but when she got home, she called me immediately to tell me how it went. Now if I had been home she would have grunted at me as she walked upstairs and would have told me she didnt feel like talking. Getting any expression of love from her is hard to come by so having her ask me when I was coming home was really special to me. Gabe and I bonded alot during the trip. He is such a good kid when he wants to be. It kinda gets under my skin when we are out like that and he is so calm and mindful to do what I ask...I know he is capable yet at home you can forget it!! He is such a pain in the ass and direspectful...I often lose hope that he will ever change and times like this weekend remind me that he is going to be just fine. I cant say how much I love driving with him...we listen to his fav band in the world Journey or we will pop in one of my Wolf Parade CDs and we will sing at the top of our lungs trying to chase the words as we go. Its those moments I dont want to ever forget...when we drive sometimes he will hold my hand or put his hand on my shoulder and tell me how much he loves me and what a great friend I am to him. Hannah used to do that...I pray that she comes back to me when she gets older...now its besties and BF's and there is no room for mom unless she needs something....I guess it is suppose to be that way right now but I miss my baby girl....

Thank you Lord for a wonderful weekend and quality time with my family. Thank you for the one on one time with my mom and with Gabe and thank you for reminding me that my daughter does still value me in her life.....Thank you for bringing us home safely and I pray that you give me the foresight, strength and patience I will need as I go through the week..guide me to make good choices and give me the willingness to take care of my responsibilities...Amen