I cant believe it has been so long since I have posted on this blog. Whats even more disturbing are the last few entries I made. It seems like a lifetime ago that CJ was in my life and as for Jon, well, I guess time really does heal all wounds,Yeah??

I dont even know where to begin.....First I will say that Ceej and I have not spoken in months. I was finally able to get real with him but in the end it was more about having a playmate for him than it was about anything really serious. I tried to kid myself and say otherwise but his life was nothing that I needed for myself.

Jon and I got back together again for a very short time but it was an attempt at a long distance relationship. It failed miserably but it was exactly what I needed. I still get angry at him though. I did love him so much and even though I know I am not flawed today there is always going to be that part of me that is going to ask...Why couldnt he love me??....I will be honest and say that there are some days where I am driving down the road and I break into tears. The sadness is quickly followed by anger but today I think it is good to be angry with him for hurting me. At least I am no longer asking what I can do to make him love me the way I want him to.

I had gastric bypass surgery in November of 08.  I got very ill after the surgery but after a few months my body settled in2 its new situation and I have never felt better. Its weird though. I am not used to seeing my new face in the mirror. I look down at my body and all I still see is the fat. I just cant see what everyone else does. I am in a size 8 now and it doesnt feel like enough. I still have more weight to lose in my mind. All of which I do really know is inaccurate. I get frustrated at time when I really want to eat and enjoy something but I cant. My tummy is the size of an orange at this point and it takes very very little to fill me up. Too bad I am addicted to MnM's!!! lol

As far as my recovery goes, I have 2 and a half years now. 2 and a half years of not medicating to numb my emotions. Its pretty amazing stuff really. I have never been happier emotionally. Sure I have problems and my finances are in the dirt but I have goals and dreams for something more. I get mad sometimes because I am 38 yrs old and often have to rely on my mom to help pay the bills. It is very frustrating to feel like a burden to others. I am planning on filing for bancruptcy here soon and I am hoping that it helps a bit.

My children, well, where do I begin. My son, who is 10, has been diagnoses with depression and ADD..In a way I am grateful that I now have an answer to the problem and now I have a starting point in which to move forward. He is such a great kid but his fits and anger takes a huge toll on me at times. There is no reasoning with him when he is like that. You just have to ride it out without pulling your hair out in the process. My daughter is 13 and so damn moody!! One minute she is a chatter box, happy and upbeat and the next minute she is sad, cant deal with anyone and wants to lock herself in her room. There is always drama in her life and I worry about it. I realize this is normal 13 yr old stuff but My gawd!! Give it a rest!!...lol....She is in a black period too...she is in to Twilight and paints her nails black and dyes her hair jet black. I remember when I was her age and I was what one would call Punk Rock but I never did the physical transformation like she has...The things we do in an attempt to be different!! lol

Ok I guess I needed to update this for myself. Now I will feel better about coming back and just posting about my everyday life. I have been up since 3 AM and it is now 8 AM. I am headed to a mtg at 10:30 and then I have a coffee date at 4....Thats another thing!!Since I have lost weight I have started dating again. I have yet to meet anyone I would want to see again but I have high hopes that it might happen at some point......

Namaste'