You would think that after 6 years I would be free of the hell I endured at the hands of my ex husband. Even disabled he is still affecting my life. Since he has taken us to court we have been hit with snag after snag. Yesterday they told us that he would get a supervised visitation. Now this man has been harrassing me for years now and ever since I got a new cell phone and he got my number I am barragged everyday with pornographic, angry and hurtful text messages. I keep telling myself that this will just go away but it is not. I thought that with all the evidence of how insane he is that the courts would not put these kids through anymore harsh treatment. They have suffered enough at the hands of this man.

For so many years I stayed with him because I didnt think there was anywhere else to go. Sure my life is not perfect. Most days I feel more disconnected and not together than I do together and moving forward. The things is that it is OK...I have faith that in time I will make better decisions and that things will improve but what about the kids. Why do they have to keep hoping through all of this. I created it...I stayed but if I hadnt stayed I would not have them. Out of the horror came 2 beautiful and amazing kids.

I have to have faith that God is not going to abandon these children. I have to have faith that God is with us and knows exactly what is going on and will change things in time...before they have to meet him.

God please step in now and stop this from happening. I want to do your will and I am waiting on you to move but please release these children from this nightmare. They have suffered enough God. I ask myself often if they should see him but he is not well Lord. I wish him no ill will even though he has done terrible things to me. If someone is to suffer please let it be me and not Hannah and Gabe. I pray for your will and for you to move quickly. Our life without him in it would be so peaceful and wouldnt have to be barraged daily by venom and filth...If there is something I can do, God...if I am lacking in some way and it is stopping this from being fixed please show me so I can change. I love my children God. I know I am selfish and self centered. I know that I am not that great of a parent but I want to be better. I take small steps and I need your help in learning to be a good mom. I dont want to yell at them anymore but work with a firm hand and a loving heart....I know I am begging now but I feel so poweless and I know the only one who can fix this is you....I wait for your answer God...Show me my path and what I need to do to take this man from their life. Please remove him from their life...

Amen

Hi Elyse!

I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to reading your blog in a while, and I'm glad things are getting better. If you don't recognize me, I'm Dreamer1188/Horselvr1188. I've changed my username quite a bit but now I'm permantely GilmoreGirl1188. It's really good to hear from you, and I'm glad you're doing much better. :) Please feel free to check out my blog sometime! It's a little less frequently updated but I'm working on it! :)