Its been a long time since I have posted here. Life just kind of shows up sometimes and it becomes hard to find the time to take care of yourself and your own personal needs.

I really dont know how to describe where I am at right now. I am tired, depressed, so super lonely and living the most incredible lies....I have been lying about so much in my life that it has gone so far that I dont even know the truth half the time. I am caught up in all these things which I just need to end. My program tells me to get honest but I would rather just walk away from it all.....Talking to CJ is not healthy and I dont know why it is important to me. He has a girlfriend and its not like he likes me for anything other than wanting to have sex with me and the sad part is that he doesnt even know who I really am. I have created this attractive persona that is completely fabricated......With Jon, again, has a girlfriend and I have finally accepted that even if we were both 60 and alonbe that he wouldnt even want me then either.....

The question I have to ask myself is why I go to the extremes I do just to be liked and loved...why is that I believe that I am not enough just as I am....maybe because when I am myself no one is interested in getting to know me....I also know that my weight plays a big part in that. I am so big now and I cant quit eating....

I have in essence, given up......I dont feel my own worth and I dont see anything that I can bring to the table. Especially, with my weight. True I am very picky...I dont know how to change that...I have this expectation that I cant seem to let go of. 

Ya know I keep trying to believe that one day God is going to give me the desires of my heart but what am I suppose to do in the meantime to deal with the sadness and lonliness. It seems that everyone I know is in a relationship or something that resembles one. All of which always leaves me the odd one out and the one sitting at home feeling alone. 

I am working so much and my routine allows me no time for myself. I come home, do chores, eat way too much and then go to sleep. I wake up too early, and always so freaking tired, to tend to the kids and then its back to work.......I know it seems like I am complaining but I am so tired.

I know everything I have said is a good reason to feel the way I do but I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am tired of loving someone when they love and want someone else and I am tired of trying to get someone's attention when they neither want me or need me in their life.Always wanting what I cant have....I guess.......

I have lost the emotion and train of thought now. Kids buzzing in my ears......go figure.........

I have to stop the lies and to do that I have to end the relationships..I have learned that from my post......

Namaste'