I saw the funniest picture the other day. It was a banning sign that said Ban comic sans...LOL..you know, the font...oh anyway......

I just did a fairly long post about my daughter and I thought I should take a minute because I really need to share a bit about where I am today.

I cant decide if I am doing better today or not. I can say that it feels good to have finally gotten to the root of why I have been so obsessive with that guy. What I still cant figure out is if I know that and if I know that he will never come here why do I even want to continue talking to him. I think I have become a psycho chick so I know he thinks that. He hasnt contacted me since we talked on the phone Thursday night so late. I was so flat and I didnt make much sense I am sure. He hasnt reached out since and instead of taking that as a good thing, I am looking at myself thinking I am flawed.

I am so tired...so damn tired of living my life like this. This not how I saw it going down at 37 years old. I feel unproductive, unattractive and undesirable. I dont know what a healthy relationship is when it comes to a men. It seems at this point that any man I like is doomed to get an obsessive psycho chick...I would laugh at that but it really isnt too funny. I dont know what it is going to take to do it differently.

I would like to say ..OK!! I am not going to even think about dating for a while. I am going to focus on me and getting my life together. Hell, I should have been doing that all along but I got side tracked...I have been side tracked for 2 and a half years now....What is it about a person that I would allow them to have that much power over me......Its not like he asked for it or dare I say even came close to wanting it. All he wanted was for me to forget about US and just be friends. That was something I couldnt do. Now I cant remember any of it. Not one single bit of the goodness we shared together. Its all been washed away by years of rejection, pain and destructive tendencies......

That just really bummed me out to say. It is truly all gone...there is no going back. Not even for a friendship. it just sucks is all. I will never understand why he didnt love me. I will never understand what was it about me that was so undesirable to him or to anyone. I mean there is something to be said for a woman who falls in love and then gets dumped every time. Every man I have ever loved has left me. Even my obsessive, abusive husband cheated on me all the time.

You know what I wish...I wish there was a way to strip everything you know away from yourself. To just clear your mind of every thought and idea that is negative or that has affected you negatively and start all over again. A total rebirth of sorts with no memories of being hurt, used or forgotten. I wish I could wake up tomorrow with no thoughts of the past that have scarred me and/or changed me into the person I am today. I wish I could be that girl I was when I was about 20. I really liked myself then. Sure I had already been through some stuff with the child abuse and my parents divorce but I liked who I was when I looked in the mirror. I had my entire life ahead of me. I felt pretty, smart, fun, interesting and I knew what I was worth.

Thats a big thing...knowing your own worth. Knowing what you deserve and dont deserve. Knowing that there isnt a person on this earth that can take away how you feel about yourself. I think I lost that part of myself when I was married to Kenny. After all the beatings I took and all the times I was told I was nothing, no one would ever want me and I was ugly and fat.......Yeah, I think that did it now that I think about it. I mean after hearing those same words for 9 years, it does something to you. somehow it is engrained in you that it is true. Perhaps that is why I truly am the way I am and everything afterwards has just been  a reinforcement of the lie.

See, I know it is a lie but I dont know how to say anything differently to myself. My behavior reinforces it........

Things to think about..........

Namaste~