I am absolutely stressed after this weekend. I have spent the last 2 days glued to a radio station I dont even like to try and win tickets to a concert for my daughter. she has become deeply obsessed over a little boy band called the Jonas Brothers. For the last 2 weeks I have not only been on my own emotional roller coaster but I have had to deal with all the tears that my daughter has shed from not being able to get tickets to the Hannah Montana/ Jonas Brothers concert.

I swear I feel so powerless that I can not get these tickets for her and I have done everything I know to do. I have entered every contest, listened to endless bubble gum pop on the radio for hours and just about sold my soul to the devil to get the tickets. There are still tickets available if you want to pay 3000 bucks for a pair.

I have always tried to give my daughter what she really wants. I have never had the money to do a whole lot and she never asks for much at all. She is such a great kid with such a wonderfully loving heart and all week all she has done is cry. It is just killing me to see her go through this. Last night one of the girls from school called her to tell her she won tickets. She already has a set of 4 and won 4 more. She did not call to ask Hannah to go...no, just to kind of rub it in that she was going and selling the others on Ebay. Of course, after spending all day calling over and over I was a bit pissed at this kid for rubbing it in. Hannah, was of course, in tears.

I have made so many mistakes in my life and I havent always been the ideal mother. For many many years I was in active addiction and not even living with my children. I only got to see them on visitation days. That has been years ago but the fact of the matter is I feel like I have alot to make up for. My son doesnt remember all the years we were apart but Hannah does. She remembers being in places with me that a child had no business being. She remembers watching her dad beat me and scream at me until I was a sobbing mess in the floor. She remembers the day I dropped her off with my aunt and did not go back to get her. I could go on with this but it literally makes my stamach ache and I get extremely nauseated even thinking about it. I try to forget as much as I can about those days but they come to me often in flashes and I am reduced in an instant. It is so overwhelming to me that I could have chosen drugs over my own child.

The thing is...I left her in order to save her. I didnt know if I would be killed at any moment with my husband and I knew that I didnt want her around him. I wanted her to have a happy childhood. What I didnt realize was that no matter what my family gave her or that no matter how many toys or parties she had, they all meant nothing because I was not there.

I was away from my children for several years. I would come back home and then leave again on another drug stint or make up with the husband. I was caught in the most vicious of cycles. I was literally walking with the devil hand in hand.

I say all this to say that I feel a bit of responsibility to my daughter and son and I dont want them to ever have to go without again. They dont expect much from me. They are so grateful that they have what they do. They dont ask for alot of things but when they do, I know it is because they really really want it.

I tried to get these tickets the week they went on sale. Ever since then I have been trying to win them any way I can. The concert is next Friday night and I am empty handed. I have this week to do whatever I can to get the tickets. I dont know about other moms but I would walk across hot coals in hell for my kids today. Especially mine. My daughter is saying she gives up and I dont want either of them to ever have that attitude. I want to say to them, what if I had given up and let your daddy really hurt me or what if I had given up and just quit trying to get and stay sober...but I dont say those things. My kids have been through alot in their lives and I want them to believe anything is possible...They deserve a little magic in their lives.......dont we all??

Namaste~