Its so early in the morning and I find myself grateful that it is Saturday. What I find hard is that I have finally been hit with the reality that my Nerdboy is gone. I wil never speak to him again and it hurts my heart so much. I read this thing this morning that said you know you love and miss someone if tears just roll down your cheek for no reason at all and this morning there are many tears rolling. I am not sobbing crying but they are silent tears...Does that make sense??

All this attention I have been trying to get from that guy, all the ways I have compromised myself for that attention by becoming this person that I am not. I now feel really disgusted with myself and you want to know the worst part. The person I was pretending to be was not attractive....easy yes, but not attractive internally or even on a friendship level. Just some weird chick with an obsessive personality.

I was looking at Nerd's page this morning on MySpace and I was looking at the correspondance between him and his old girlfriend. They sent messages back and forth, laughed and played around. I cant remember the last time we had a laugh together. It was always so emotional and intense...Always so serious......I seem to have a problem with that and I used to be so much fun.

I have to ask mysef often if the last 2 years without Jon has scarred me so much that I forgot what it means to be that free spirited fun person I was in the past. I have grown up in a cynical way and I just dont know how to get it back. Sure I will never be that lighthearted 29 or 30 year old again but what happened to my silliness and fun demeanor. I keep trying to be that person but I am not anymore. I want so much to be though. I rememeber a time when I used to laugh all the time. I was so funny and I knew it. People loved to be around me. TodayI am  flat and I really dont feel like I have much to offer anyone.

I need an overhaul. I dont know what it is going to take to get that back...I have chosen to rebound with someone unattainable except for a sordid week together. I am done like I said....I have not presented who I want to present..which is the real me and I feel that my beefed up personality has come back to bite me in the butt. This man has no real interest in me.

The problem with letting go of that is that I will be right back in that place I have been trying to avoid...that place where my heart hurts from the loss of the love of my life......

Does it ever get any easier?? Will I ever find that woman I liked so much from my past?

Namaste~