It has been a littlke while since I have posted a journal entry. To be honest not a whole lot is going on right now. Its pretty much the quiet after the storm. The last few weeks have been rocky to say the least. I have gone through a rnage of emotions when it comes to CJ and then even more emotion when it comes to Jon.

I made the decision to share my story about CJ with Jon and it caused alot of conflict. When I explained to him that we had crossed the line between fan and actor to real life friends and possibly meeting he was happy for me but when I told him that there was no way I was going to let him, or anyone else for that matter, in because of the pain from past experieinces, well, he got mad and felt alot of guilt. I tried to explain it was a culmination of a lifetime of experiences he could only see his part on it and it really bothered him

He said that he would rather not be my friend than watch me spend my life alone because of him putting the nail in my coffin.

I didnt know what to tell him. The fact remains that my decision to not date again or at least not for a long time is a direct result of our relationship. I cant help it. I can not put myself out there again to be hurt. I refuse to do it. I will never make myself vulnerable again. I refuse to allow myself to be rejected again.

I dont know what that means but I cant help the way I feel. I am sorry I am this way. I wish more than anything that I wasnt but fact remains that I was destroyed in my last relationship. I cant just see myself bouncing back that quickly. Sure I know it has been 2 and a galf years but it has only been in the last few months that I have even begun the process of letting go.

I am sorry Jon feels that way but I cant change how I feel just because he feels bad. He is all happy and in love now and I am dealing with it. So he needs to deal with the fact that I am not willing to go there myself........

 

Namaste!

 

Elyse, it has been my own personal experience that until I figure out whether or not I want to be truly happy, things just always seem to remain the same. Nothing changes; every day is just like the one before it: empty, boring, and with too much time being spent on feeling badly about myself and my life. Someone once told me (many, many years ago, now) that being happy meant - to me - being miserable all the time. I was really mad about that, but over time, when I really started looking at myself and at my life, I started to see that I had more miserable days than happy ones, and that I seemed to be more alive when I was in the middle of conflicts - any conflicts - than I was when things were calm and peaceful. It was a hard thing for me to accept, but it sure has taught me that to a large degree, life is what we make it.

I hope you find your happiness, my friend. You certainly don't deserve to be alone and unhappy...