It sucks when you find out the person you love is with someone else. It sucks even more when you find out from a 3rd party.

I was going to leave a comment on Nerdboy's MySpace Page this morning only to read that he has a new girlfriend. What a great way to start off my day. Ya know?? Of course the first thing I did was send him mail asking why he didnt tell me. I got a response...a response of blah......I mean what else can I call it?? We arent a couple and havent been for years now. So why in the hell did I still cry when I read his reply??

Over the weekend I have been so blue. Our friendship isnt turning out the way I had hoped. We dont talk and the mail is almost non existant. I know that God has a plan and it is very true that if we did talk like I want then it would be much harder to do what I am trying to do here. I have gotten to a really good place for the most part and I dont think I would have been effected if it hadnt been for this past weekend.

All weekend I felt this gnawing feeling in my gut. It was an emptiness and void that I couldnt really explain but I knew it had to do with Nerdboy. I knew that I was missing him in my life and I was starting to accept that things would never be the way they were again. It is actually my fault that we are in this place. All the times I have played the whole go away and come here game has drained both of us.

The sadness I felt was so deep and it ached. It was an empty ache. That is the best way to describe it. The thing that topped it off was Sunday night. I went to sleep like I always do and was jolted awake screaming out PLease Dont Go......I was shaking, sobbing uncontrolably and I was drenched in sweat. I had been dreaming about Jon. I had dreamt that he was here with me and we were together. Then he did the same thing he did when he actually, physically left me and I was screaming for him to stay with me...I was begging and pleading with him to not leave. I am crying now just thinking of what I felt when I was dreaming and when I woke up. It was gut wrenching and I was in a panic. I felt the most overwhelming sense of loss that I had evern felt before.

Now maybe if I broke that down it could quite possibly be my subconscious letting go finally. Maybe it is that last part of me that needed to be freed. I dont know. I do know that I havent been able to shake the sadness since then. I havent wanted to get out of bed over the last few days. I just want to be alone and quiet.

The point is that I am still grieving for whatever reason. I have truly come so far. I only mail him once a week. At this point I dont know what to say to him. I cant talk about my feelings. They are irrelevant at this point...whatever, ya know?? I dont spend my days thinking about him or daydreaming of us together. I dont pray to God to make him come back like I used to. Today I pray that God continues to help me move on.

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. I have never struggled with anything like I have with this. It has eaten  away 2 and a half years of my life and I want to be rid of it. I just dont know what it is going to take to release that last little bit.

He wants me to write him back but to say what. I cant tell him how I really feel at this point. Whatever..it doesnt matter anymore. It is not going to change a thing and I am not going to be that weak person anymore. My feelings just do not matter anymore.period.

I am at a loss for words. I love him enough to want him to be happy but I also resent him so much that I want it to fail again and again until he really gets what he let go of. That is the worst thing to say about anyone and I am ashamed of myself for having those feelings. If I love him as much as I say I do then why would I want him to hurt. I wouldnt, yet I still have these feelings of wanting him to hurt like I have.

I know he already has. He met someone after he left me and he fell hard for that girl and she cheated on him. It crushed him and guess where I was...right there to help pick up the pieces. I was there to offer emotional support and tell him how wonderful he is. Again, I was there ..all along.......

I dont know what the right thing is. Do I write him back and tell him my real feelings( thats what I have always done in the past), do I not write him back and let him live with the knowing that he hurt me again or do I write him back and be kosher with the whole thing and pretend it doesnt matter to me. I mean if he was my friend and my friend alone, I should support him and be happy for him, right?? Why cant I do that??

See the thing with those questions is that Whatever I do will have motives behind it. I want to do whatever would make more of an impact and make him wonder where I went when and if it falls apart with this new girl. It is all about playing a game to keep him hooked in. He is not hooked in and I have got to get to a place where I dont care if he is or not.......

UUHHHGGGGG.........I have got to quit this crying crap....Toughen up Elyse and quit being so pitiful.........

Namaste~

Hi Elyse. It's been awhile since I've replied to your posts, but I do stop by as often as I can to see what's new.

For whatever it's worth, all you can do with this situation is what feels right to you. We all have the power to choose, my friend; sometimes, making choices is more difficult than other times, but fundamentally, we decide what feels like the right choice for us.

Elyse,
I am sorry about the situation you are in. You sound hurt and confused in your post. I can understand the feeling; he has moved on and you feel like you are left behind. I had a summer boyfriend at camp. I felt exhilirated! But my friend told me later in the summer that he did not like me and had a girlfriend back at home. I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep. But I moved on in time and I think time is what it takes.
~Megan/Horselvr1188 :)