I realize that yesterday I was all over the board with emotion and also being void of emotion. It really isnt that I am numb as much as I am empty. I dont know what to do with this feeling of apathy. I keep thinking that I should still be feeling something here and I just dont. It is so strange because I have no more fight left in me. I have truly given up on everything. Even being friends. See, my idea of friends meant something completely different. I still wanted that connection but it isnt there. You would have thought that I should gotten here a really long time ago but it just happens the way it happens. I am not sending anymore emails. I want to be important and I want to be special. The truth is that I have never felt important and the only thing that makes me special is just in the mere fact that I encourage people to be the best they can be.

It sucks being the catalyst sometimes. Everyone is so grateful for the love and support I give but when they find that place they want to be in ...then I become forgettable. Its not a good feeling by any means.

When I was a child it was ingrained in me that I was forgettable. My father left me when I was a kid and all I ever did was beg for his love. I went to any length to make him proud. I sacrificed alot of my wants and needs to make him happy and yet, he still left. He moved on to a new child, a new family and a new town and I was left behind.

This whole situation over the last 2 and a half years has just reinforced everything I already believed about myself. I have gotten to a point in my life where I am tired of making everyone else feel good about who they are. I want to be selfish for the first time in my life and I want it to be about me. Now there is a catch there because my motives for lifting people up has been about me in alot of ways. I have always gotten something out of the deal. So let me be honest about that. The thing is that every time I do, I find that the need for me is eventually replaced.

I dont know what the future holds for me. A part of me really believes that I will be alone from here on out. I am 37 years old, I dont get out and when I do it is to hang out with the girls. I have no opportunity to meet men. There is still that little bit of hope that somehow God will see the goodness in me and bless me with someone who really does value me in their life and I am not talking about for a month or 2. Perhaps God will open a door and show me that I am not forgettable.

For now, I am feeling empty and sad. I am depressed a bit, I can tell. I have hit a wall that I cant seem to bounce off of. There are 5 stages of grief and we go through the process in our time, not in anyone elses. My time has just been extended by the constant contact over the last 2 or so years. The contact has dwindled down to almost nothing and I have no choice at this point to let completely go. I feel like I should be fighting this but I have fought for so long that I am just tired of trying. I dont have anything left to give. I am completely spent.

I need prayers with all of this. I need to be able to do this and not look back. I am tired of feeling regret and I am tired of feeling that I am flawed in some way. I need to find a place within myself where I can let go with peace and love in my heart. I dont have anymore room for sadness and I definitely dont want this all to turn to anger because when I am angry I react and I always regret it.

So I pray that I release the need to explode and spew venom at Jon for the feelings I have today. I need to pray that I walk away without regret and that I can open a new chapter of my life...free from all the feelings that have been reinforced over the last 2 years.

Namaste~