I talked to my sponsor for a long time the other night. I cried when talking about the phone call I got from Nerdboy last week. She told me that I needed to just say it out loud and admit that I am not willing to break off contact. She told me to own the fact that I want him in my life in any capacity I can have him and if that means just friends then I need to work at trying to be JUST his friend.

So I set off on a new path. I owned it and I was willing to try to make some changes. I think I posted a few weeks ago about how he said that it is about loving someone enough to except that they might not be a part of your life ever again. That means letting go and moving on even if you are friends. So I have been trying. The thing is that I expected to be able to have the opportunity to do it differently.

Since I got that phone call we have barely spoken through email or any other medium. I want to fight and scream going through this transition but I find that I am so tired that I have nothing left to say. I try to explain what I feel and I cant. There are no more deep emails or talks left in me. The hard part is that it feels wrong. I am still clinging to that feeling that I just cant have him forget about me. His life has changed and he is super busy but that leaves no room for me and I dont like that. It really makes me crazy but again I dont know how to express it. It is not an overwhelming feeling anymore but it is this small gnawing feeling that I cant shake. Its like an itch on my back that I cant reach to scratch. Annoying and frustating. I just want his attention and I know I cant have it anymore.

I hate this feeling of not being in control...Oh my gosh!!! Thats it!! I am not in control of this friendship. He doesnt respond when I want him to. He isnt doing what I want to be done. Uhhhggggg......WoW I dint get with that until right now. I have no control over it and I cant stand that. Its horribly uncomfortable.

All I know is that I give up. I mean I have given up ever meeting someone else. I am just too picky but I have also given up trying to reach out. I dont have anything to say anymore. Its flat and its dead,

If that is the case and I know that then why do I fight it so much?? Why do I not have the willingness to let go. I guess this what it means to have unconditional love for someone and I guess that I really do have to get to the point that it doesnt matter if we ever speak again. The thing that confuses me is that if it doesnt matter that we ever speak again then why should we??

Namaste........