Sometimes I Have to really wonder when the actual grieving process will end. I posted yesterday about how I was able to look at other men in a sexaul way and how huge that is for me considering how much I thought I would never find another man that turned me on as much as Nerdboy did.

Things have become so good in my waking life. I have even stopped checking my mial often, hoping for an email. It seems that now it is my subconscious mind that refuses to forget. Its now in my dreams that my heart aches and I cry soulful tears. They are the type of tears come from so deep within me that they literally hurt me physically. I know that my subconscious mind processes the things I dont process in my daily life but I never imagined it would be so intense.

I havent been able to sleep for weeks now. Its not like I ever sleep good but it has become worse with me getting up at 2 and 3 AM and not being able to go back to sleep. The hardest part of that is how and why I wake up.

I had a very busy day yesterday. I met my new cheer team and I had my first parents meeting. I have 21 girls on my squad this year and I am really excited about coaching this year. This fall season will be the biggest sign up we have had to date.

I got home copmpletly exhausted and I had been up since 4 AM so it was quite a day for me. I laid down to take a nap, hoping to be re-energized but instead I shook and jerked in my sleep, crying through the whole thing.

I am not going to get into the whole dream but it started out so sweet. It was Nerd, myself and the kids and things were so loving and happy. There were brief moments of small gestures that always meant so much when we actually had a relationship. Of course, as the dream progresses I was pushed out and pushed away.The pain in my heart literally hurt as I slept. Ya know, I dont think people really understand what REAL heartache is. Not only is the pain emotional but it is physically painful. It hurts you and your heart literally aches in a way that feel like you are going to die from it breaking.

I have worked so very hard at moving forward and I can say that over the last month I have done so well. It was only there for about a month that I got sick again and it is something that I wish had never happened. Isntead of doing what I should have done, which was taking some words of love and appreciation and finding gratitude with it, I felt it was my big chance to win him back. Why I even thought that was possible was beyond me. 

When I finally jerked myself awake, it took me about 15 to splash water on my face before the swelling from my eyes went down. The dream was just so surreal and I could spend alot of time breaking it down but I know that my subconscious mind deal with situations I can not deal with in my waking life. 

When I am awake I have found the confidence and self esteem I need to move throughout the day. I have come to alot of realizations when it comes to myself and my views on love and relationships. All of which are not negative by any means. I have a lot of love in my heart for the right person but I will definitely be alot more cautious when I start dating again. I will never allow myself to get so out of hand that I chase anyone again. I will never be that needy woman again and to me that is a very good thing. I will now inutitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. I will realize that God is doing for me what I cannot do myself. When I am awake I can cope and I have let go. I no longer pine for something that is not there. It is over and done with. Even the friendship has ended and I would like to think I have found peace with that but obviously my brain is still processing all of the feelings. I just really wish it wasnt so painful and my heart didnt ache so much when I go through it.

Namaste!~