I have come to a harsh realization that I never wanted to admit before. This is poisoning me. Its like a terrible drug habit and everytime I start to get clean...I put myself in a situation to use again or the drug is presented to me again. 

This whole thing with my birthday has put me in a using cycle all over again. I am fighting not to reach out and reaching out means using my drug again. I am so damn confused and I hate how this feels. I am trying to figure out what it all means and it means nothing at all. A part of me wants it to mean something but there is now that side of me that is so tired that I have no more energy to continue playing the game.

I gave everything I had and it didnt count for anything. It has been a painful and exhausting last couple of years and I am tired of begging to be acknowledged. I am done but there is still that part of me that is feeling defocused and nervous.

Why did he have to send me a present. It has been a few weeks since we have spoken and I was doing really well. Like I said, now I am confused and back to square one. I dont want to talk to him anymore. He will never understand what it means to love someone so deeply that it hurts. well, I am sure he does...he just never felt that way about me.

I dont want to feel this way anymore. I am tired and I hate feeling needy. I keep waiting on a response and now I am waiting on a present. I dont want to knock what it is he is sending me. My thoughts are that it will be a very good book that I will enjoy. The thought is so super sweet but why now?? Ya know?? I say its better to not speak again and he sends me a gift. A part of me wishes he had just skipped my birthday and let me just be sad because he didnt reach out to me. I guess what I want most is some emotion. I want him to express how he feels about me not being in his life. Does it bother him?? Does he miss me at all??

Honestly, as much as I want to know, I dont. It would just confuse me. I cant be his friend. No matter how hard I try I always go back to the same obsession and unhealthy feelings. I love him but like I said earlier, he has become a drug to me.

It is so hard to explain how much I want him in my life but I want him in a way that he cant give so it is best for him to not be there at all..........