Everyday I get closer and closer to finding peace. My memories have gone back to the beginning where things were sweet and good. No more memories of the pain and hurt but of happy times where I was at peace.

I turned 37 yesterday and as I posted before, I was shocked to find an email from the Nerd and even more surprised that he sent me a gift. My first reaction was that he missed me and that he missed speaking with me but as I thought about it and with much insight into it, I realized and accepted it for what it is and was. He had gotten my gift much earlier, long before we stopped talking. It is understandable that he would go ahead and send it. It doesnt mean he wants to speak again or that he misses me.

Quite honestly, I am in a place today where I feel like the only reason we should talk again is if he decides he wants me in his life and not as just a friend. As long as it is the way it has been, I dont want to communicate. I need to tell him that unless he is willing and open to stepping out and taking action then there is no reason for us to talk. I am firm in my feelings and they are not going to change. Therefore, the only solution is to not stay connected unless he is willing to speak from his heart and acknowledge who I am.............

On another note,

I was feeling a bit down for a minute yesterday. It was right when it sunk in that I am 37 and that much closer to 40. It took me a few minutes to get back into the day and realize just how loved I am and just how much my family was trying to make the day super special for me. Not only did I get some really sweet little gifts from my children, I got a wonderful seafood lunch. I am so truly blessed today. I have been so hung up in fantasy that I forgot how to live in today and I have now realized just how important that is. I feel free to a certain extent and even though I talk about it alot here, I have found some peace. I am now standing firm in my feelings and I am not going to go backwards. I refuse to be weak and helpless anymore. I find that I am not willing to tolerate certain behavior anymore. Behavior in others and behavior within myself.

I have moved on and I am proud of myself. I have not moved on in the sense that I have completely let go of my feelings for Nerd but I have moved on in the sense that I am not going to play the weak and helpless victim anymore........That all makes today a VERY GOOD DAY!!

Namaste!!