I know, pretty dramatic but this is how I feel today. I feel really broken, lonely and did I say lonely already??  I dont know...its been a week almost since I talked to my Nerdboy and I am starting to feel the loss pretty hard. The first 3 or 4 days werent so bad. I am used to no talking to him for a few days and even not really getting anything from him for a week other than a Hi and Im really busy right now......

It is so hard looking at myself in the mirror and realizing how much of a fool I have been. I cant believe I let myself do this for so long and the saddest part of all of it is that if he were to still say I am confused...I would be right there hoping and praying that he would see me just once and realize everything I feel and felt about us.

I feel sick, literally when I talk about it or think about it. I just want to crawl under a rock and never show my face again. The one thing I am grateful for is that this is the only place I share this stuff. No one knows I have still been pining over this for so long. I havent shared my feelings with anyone in over 6 months so that makes it a bit easier when it comes to the humiliation I feel. Thats what it boils down to, I feel completely and utterly humiliated. No one knows that we have even been talking over the last 6 months. I just couldnt bare to admit it to anyone because of the embarrassment I have felt behind it. 

Its just so sad and I am truly beating myself up right now for all of it. If I am not driving down the road crying, I am in emotional turmoil because I let it get this far. Why couldnt I see it for what it really was?? How could I have let myself stay so blinded?? I know God is awesome and He does work miracles but when is enough, enough??ya know?? when do you finally conceed that it isnt going to happen?? Well, I can tell you that a normal person would have realized it years before I have or should I say HAD to.

It does help that I am so busy all the time. It doesnt leave me alot of time to just sit and think. Today I have sworn a day for myself. I am not answering the phone, I am not going out and I am not doing any work...none!! Bad part is that now that I am sitting still, I am in my head and that can be really dangerous for me.  I am looking back on all of it and I feel like a complete wanker......It is uttely humiliating and I feel so completely pathetic......

I know I will get over it, at least I hope I will. I know for sure I dont want to ever do this again. I will never, ever let anyone get close to me again. I refuse to......I will never, even put myself in a position where this could possibly ever happen again. The only way to make sure that doesnt happen is to stay as far away from men as possible.........I am literally done.....I dont want it...I dont want to feel it...I dont want to see myself ever take a road of letting someone else in to get hurt again. No one will ever be able to offer me what I thought I had found and no one will measure up to the standards I have set and honestly I dont want them to.

I might feel this way today but I know my feelings change and it will get better. The humiliation will not ever change in this situation and I can not even think about speaking to him again...I am too embarrassed........but I know that I will move past it in time. That doesnt mean my feelings about being involved again will change. It just means I will find peace with things as they are.

The certainty is that I will not get involved again and I know people say, never say never but I am saying never and I will maintain that from now on. I might not have control over how much I have loved Nerdboy but I can have control when it comes to my decision to not do it again with someone else. I felt powerless over my love for Jon but I have power over whether or not anyone else gets my love.

It almost feels good to say never agian when it comes to love and relationships. I have felt really powerless over so many things in my life but now I have something that I can be in complete control of.

Ya know, I am having my surgery in January and I have been doing alot of research on what procedure I want to have done. I am just going to get banded (LAP BAND) because I am in no hurry to lose the weight super quickly. With the Lap Band I will lose about 50 pounds in 6 months and then it will come off about 2 pounds a week from there if I stay on my doctors diet. I should be at my goal weight in about a year and a half. The plus to getting banded is that your skin will shrink with the slow weight loss. With the RNY most women have alot of loose skin they have to plastics on to get rid of. With the band, and some exercise I will be toned as well as thinner. The other big big plus is that I can still eat food I like. I mean in about 4 months after surgery if I wanted a scoop of ice cream I could try to eat it. I am sure my tummy wont hold a scoop but you get the point. With the RNY, you have to drink protein shakes your whole life and live on protein like it is the only thing that exists. Also, your hair can fall out, you can have tons of malabsorption issues, you can be vitamin deficent and there is something called dumping which I hear is terribly painful. So with all that info I am having the one that might take longer to lose but the healthier choice when it comes down to it. In the beginning all I wanted was to lose really fast but I had an alterior motive. I thought just maybe if I was thinner that Nerdboy might be more attracted to me.......I know its sick but that is where my head was...since he is no longer in my life, I can focus on doing it slowly and keeping it off.

The reason I even started talking about this was because I am going to be very curious as to how men treat me after the surgery. I am not an ugly woman, just a fat woman.  I am intelligent, a bit strange sure but intelligent, I am attractive I think , at least I used to be very pretty when I was thinner........and I have a good job and am somewhat financially stable at this point....at least alot more than I used to be.

I really think the saddest part of all of it is that I am going to have this new body with the same broken spirit when it comes to love. In every other area of my life I am so very happy. My life is wonderful but my heart is broken. I dont ever want love in my life again when it comes to the male/female kind........I want to be successful, independant(which I now am), educated and healthy(thin) and close to God................thats all I want other than being a good mom and raising my kids right. My daughter actually told me yesterday that she thinks she has a hard time letting go of boys because of me. That cut me so deeply. To think that the way I have handled Nerd has affected my kids is almost unbearable. Gosh they loved him so much....he was the first guy that they ever got semi close to and the only one I let them meet other than one or two when I wasnt thinking straight. It kills me to know my daughter has watched me hang on, cry and basically beg for love for over 2 years and that it has affected how she sees boys in her life..........Now I have to live with the fact that it not only damaged me but my kids as well. It was hard enough when he left. They didnt understand why he couldnt still be there friend. My son wanted him in his life but it was truly best to disconnect that but it didnt make it any easier on Gabe. If he were to turn around tomorrow and want to come back into our lives they would be so very excited. Gabe still thinks he is the kewlest guy ever.

All of this is screwed and I am not putting any and I mean any of the blame on Nerdboy. He did what he had to do for himself and I respect that. He wasnt emotionally invested and he chose to pack up and end the relationship. I am the one who has spent 2 years trying to tell him what a mistake he made and for 2 years he has been trying to tell me to move on..........its humiliating.......

Hopefully I will have a better perspective tomorrow.........I will pray for that..........

Namaste~