I have been reading a really good book over the last few days called "Spirituality In Recovery". As I was reading it... and God always works like this...there was a few chapters in that went from Shame to Acceptance and then from Grief to Acceptance.

I found the section on grief to be especially important to me considering what I am dealing with while going through the letting go process. The book really spoke about loss as if it was someone who had died but isnt that what all loss is to a certain extent? Its always like a death, if not of a person then a loss of dreams, fanatasy or memories. I told Nerd in the final mail I sent him that I didnt know what was worse, saying good bye to someone who has died or saying good bye to someone you know is out there somewhere and that you just cant talk to anymore. I actually think the latter is the worst. With death there is a finality that we get that we cant have when a relationship ends. That person still exists not only in our memories but in the present day. You have no choice to move on and let go when someone dies.

As I read the book it opened my eyes to something I have always wondered. Why in the world has it taken me 2 and a half years to let go of Nerd?? The grieving process takes about a year normally but there are those people who have such a hard time letting go that it can take years. There are those too that never let go and stay in the grieving process forever. I had convinced myself that I would be the person who never let go but the more I think about it I see just how self defeating that is.But still, it has bothered me that it has been 2 and a half years and I have still not changed the way I look at him.

The book explained that for me. When Jon and I's relationship ended I couldnt deal with the emotions that came with it so I relapsed. I just couldnt handle the sadness and I wanted to escape the pain for as long as I could. It started with some pain issues. We all manifest emotional pain when going through the grieving process. Thats why people have such a hard time with the kind of depression that hurts and makes it difficult to do anything. Well, I manifested my emotional pain physically at first. I started hurting physically and I started taking some pain medication to relieve it. The medicine worked because I not only didnt hurt, I didnt feel anything. I became a pretty mindless drone for a while. The problem was that no matter how much I took,the emotional pain didnt go away.....

I am an addict and I always will be whether I use drugs or not. I know that using is an escape from life and I wanted to not feel ever again so I went back to my drug of choice for relief. I spent the next year in a state of unawareness for the most part. Dont get me wrong I still hurt terribly. I still cried and grieved and the drugs made me feel even more like the problem. It had to all be my fault right??There had to be something wrong with me, or so I thought.

What I know today is that using last year stopped my grieving process. It stopped me from being able to take the normal amount of time for grieving and extended it. It has been 8 months since I took my last pill which means I have actually had 8 months of real grieving time. The first 3 months of that were still numb months because my emotions had not come fully back.

I know it might sound discouraging for some but for me it is a big relief. Seeing that I am still in a greiving process and that I am right where I am suppose to be has helped me accept things alot better. I realize that I am not just some hopeless kid that is never ever going to be Ok again. I am not going to always feel this way.

It almost bothers me that this is not as painful as what I thought it would be. I do have my moments and perhaps it is because it hasnt set in yet that he is no longer a part of my life. I find myself checking my email thinking that it might be from him but I know him and he will not contact me again. We are both tired and I am sure alot of the reason he still stayed in touch was because he felt some guilt about all of this. I mean how do you justify blowing someone off that loves you that much. I am sure it isnt easy no matter how much you would like to disconnect. I am sure that there was alot of pressure to continue talking to me. If I were him I would have wanted it to all stop. I know I have been him before and I didnt have trouble blowing people off.Sure, today, there is a huge part of me that hopes somewhere down the road that we can be friends but I might feel differently in a few months.

Like I said, this isnt as hard as I thought it would be but this is just the beginning. It will show over the next few weeks when I am fighting the desire to reach out to him. I will not and cannot do that this time. I have to stand firm in my choice this time to move away. It has taken me 2 and a half years to get up the strength to be willing to really try and let him go. Today, I stand firm in my decisions. I refuse to be that weak and sad woman any longer. I have grown so much already and I am not going backwards.

Today I actually wondered if there would be someone else and for me that is huge. Just to contemplate the possibility of me being willing to have someone else in my life is a really big deal. A month ago I would have told you I will die loving only one man and that I met my ONE and he lives in Massillon Ohio........I still feel that on some really deep levels but I am starting to see that no matter how perfect I thought we were it might not be what the universe has planned for me........and yes I said might not be....I cant say what will happen a year from now or even a week from now........God is the only one who has all power and I am leaning on Him to show me where to go........

Namaste~