I am going through a gambit of emotions today. I really dont think it has truly set in that I will never talk to Nerdboy again. I woke up this morning after a night of not sleeping much. I found myself laying awake most of the night thinking about the last 2 and half years and how I have acted. I cant tell you how embarrassed I am for everything. I have been so pitiful and needy.

I remember a time in my life where I would have cared less let alone spent all this time trying to win the love of someone. I really used to be a mean girl. I would meet guys and really like them in the beginning but not so soon after I would get bored and start to avoid them. I would quit answering the phone and I would change locations to avoid them. It wasnt until this last year that I realized just what I had done to some of them.

Ya know sometimes I ask myself, and God , if this is some sort of punishment for the way I have treated others in the past but I have a really hard time believing that my God would be so cruel. People are cruel...God isnt.

I cried for a while this morning. We are so silly the way we beat ourselves up by listening to all the songs that remind of us of them or re read letters and emails that we have saved. Believe me when I tell you I have a ton of those. Every mail that ever expressed emotion, I saved. They became my fix when I was not getting the attention I wanted. Pretty twisted right?? Well, alot of us do that......It is at least comforting to know I am not the only girl out there who has been completely mental.

Right now I dont know if I need to find gratitude or whether I should spend the next 40 years grieving the ONE or what I thought was the ONE. Another part of me is falling into that I dont give a shit mentality where I feel like it was a huge waste of my time. Then there is that really silly sick part of me that says HE WILL SUFFER!! LOL....or here is another one......He will spend his life alone and regret the day he ever walked away from me........GoSH I wish I could really feel that way but my self esteem is not in a place to allow me to do that today. I just dont feel that good about myself to say those kind of things plus it really sucks that I love him and dont want those things for him no matter how much I am hurting........

It makes it really hard when you love someone...You cant have that KILL DIE attitude......I wish in some ways I could still be that chik that can say OH Screw you...I can do better!! and not only say it but mean it. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO........I have to love him so much that all I want is for him to be happy and to have a great life with great amounts of love. Thats has to say something, right?? You would think so but it doesnt. It still pisses me off that I cant say "I dont care!!" cause truth is I care so much that I have spent 2 and a half years trying to make him see just how much.

Oh it really sucks knowing someone out there thinks you are pathetic and a really sad human being. I have been really sad thinking back.

Things are going to be different from now on.........no more men...just me being happy with me.....I will never get close enough to let someone effect me like that again and the only way I can make sure that doesnt happen is by not doing the whole love stuff again. Thats all it is really..when all is said and done......Just stuff.......It deosnt mean anything when its over. All the time you spent together, all the love you shared, all those special moments dont mean anything anymore.......They are just memories that fade away over time.....I really hate that!! No one wants things to be personal anymore. I mean shouldnt we start by being personal?? Instead of cherishing everything even if it doesnt work out we just forget and move on. Moving On sucks!! But it seems to be a requirement today.........

Namaste~

E