I am feeling so uncomfortable right now and so very scared. 2 and a half years I have waited, prayed, cried and grieved. I have held on to the smallest grain of hope that one day, and I didnt care if it was tomorrow or 10 years from now, I would have all that I had wished and dreamt of having with Nerdboy. I believed it so much that I missed all the signs. Well no that is not true, I saw them but I refused to accept it, any of it. I was so blinded by my own wants, desires and needs that I completely lost focus on the reality of the situation. I hung on to every word and every sweet gesture but as time has passed, they have become fewer and farther apart, to the point that he feared saying anything to me because of how I would take it.

What I realize today is that I can and will never be an objective friend. I cant see past what I want long enough to be a good friend to him. It has and was always about me. I fooled myself into believing that I had sacrificed things to supprt him. That it was better to talk about him instead of myself. He never responded to the trivial stuff so maybe just maybe I talked about my feelings so much just to get a response from him.

As I sit here and type I realize just how unhealthy that really is. Today I have changed so much. I have found myself again but that is the one area that I am still child like and living in a fantasy. I just dont understand why he doesnt love me the way I love him. It should have been obvious when he left. He blew me off then and I stil freaking held on.

I am really unhealthy when it comes to relationships and I always have been. If it hasnt been me running away it has been me falling for guys who could give a shit about staying with me. They stick around until they get bored and then they move on. there are never ever any real feelings going on. The ones that do want me...well, they are more unhealthy than i am and that is saying something.

I dont know what I need to do to work on these relationship issues. I guess it needs to be the core subject in therapy for a while. I cant do this again and my heart definitely cannot take another relationship like that one was.

I say was because today I finally closed the door for good. There is no going back this time. We are both tired and have had enough. I dont want to be this unhealthy anymore and I know he doesnt want to have to deal with it. It did really hurt me that his only reply was I love you and wish you happiness. I wrote this 3 page email and I got back a sentence saying good bye....I dont know why it bothers me so much, its par for the course.  I am just so tired. I love him so much and I always will. I dont know if I will ever recover from this. I would like to think I will over time but I do not know that for sure. I have never loved anyone this much. I have never wanted something so badly that I lost focus on everything else and I have never been this blind before.

I will miss Jon so much. I know the next month or two are going to be really hard for me because I cant go back again. I know that on a deep level but there are going to be days where I post like mad because I will be fighting the urge to reach out to him. I just love him so much and I will never understand why he couldnt and didnt feel the same. We would have been great together and growing old with him would have been so good. We were great friends and we understood each other...........not anymore, he moved past me somewhere along the way and I have been grasping at straws ever since.

 

Namaste~

 

Hi Elyse,

Just a note to say someone has read and heard.

I believe you made the best choice possible, and should give yourself far more credit than you do for that strength--just hold to it.

F those quiet hours where you may (most likely will) find yourself sitting and thinking too much. Try to stay active, stay healthy, be creative if possible. Just do things, you'll get through.

Recall the quote you have above: 'Spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience'. That is it EXACTLY. Lessons, learning, to experience and grow.

Yes, it is nice to have someone to accompany us through the length of the journey, yet this is a thing most rare. (Hate that is seems to be the 'golden carrot' of human society, and if you do not have such something must be wrong with you. What a crock of it!) Far more common to grasp at the unhealthy simply to have something. Big distraction to who we are/are meant to be this time around.

So, in short, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, lady. Have some fun where and as you can. Only thing I can really say and do for you.

Cheers and blessings,
Melissa

P.S. Great music player! Love Morphine myself. As well as the Over the Rainbow! ;)
~M~