I have had a very interesting and sad time over the last week or so. I have been so emotional trying to come to grips with my reality. I have always had such a hard time accepting the reality of life. Its because I have created a dream world where everything ends with a happy ending.

There are 2 things I have learned within the last 48 hours. One is that I have got to do the work to have my fairytales come true. I can not see it and believe it unless I do the work to make it happen. Even I know that fairytale ending take work. Everything takes work in order to succeed.

All my life I lived in a fantasy world. It has always been because I was so unhappy in my reality that I needed to find some type of escape. I found a safe place in my dream world when I was a kid. I was always alone and I was being molested and in my fairytales someone would come rescue me and take me away from it all. Usually that person was a man that I had a crush on and wanted to be with. Even at 8 and 9 my dream man was a grown man. Maybe that is because my father was not in my life on a regular basis. Either way the dreams I had kept me going.

I was the worst daydreamer in school and I would get in trouble alot because I was never listening. I would miss whole days because I was lost in some fantasy land. When I got older I would go to bed early at night just so I could create scenarios in my head about some guy I wanted to be with. I would plan our meeting and our future together.

I have been struggling with letting go of my relationship with Jon for so long but it wasnt until yesterday that I realized what I was doing. It was the same thing I had been doing all my life, the only difference was that he was participating. I dont mean that he was filling my head with things I dreamt about. All he did was just be present. My mind did the rest.

I see today just how unhealthy I am and how my fantasies keep me stuck in the past or even better keep me stuck in today because I stop doing the work to grow.

I cant grow and move forward with my head constantly in the clouds. I have made the decision to let go and as uncomfy as that is, I know today that it is my present and future that will benefit. We will be friends and I will move on and be willing to open my heart up to the possibility of more with someone else. I wanted so much for that more to be with him. You will never have any idea how much but he left me 2 years ago. He didnt feel it in his gut then and he doesnt feel it now so how in the world can I think he will someday in the future.

Its that dream world that I have been living in.......sooo...just for today I am going to stay in today......one day at a time...no more future other than what I can work on today to meet my goals for the present........

Namaste!!