Is it really Xmas?? It sure doesnt feel like it. I have been working so much that the holidays have flown by and I havent even had time to get in the xmas spirit. The kids had a wonderful xmas this year. They really racked up on everything they wanted and then some. Between the ipod,playstation3 and cell phones I had some really happy kids. Sadly, my daughter found out thisa year that Santa and mom are the same person. I hated that for her but it is what it is.....I really felt as if I ruined the holiday spirit for her. Its just not the same when the magic of santa is taken away.

I am off today for the only reason that it is Xmas day. Tomorrow it is back to the grind for me.

And a personal note...it has been 3 week since I reached out to Jon. After the reply last time I know in my heart that it will never be happen again. I just dont want it in my life. I still cant talk about him without tearing up and believe me I try to keep him out of my conversations but I was talking to a new friend the other day about my love life over the last 7 or 8 years and when I came to Jon I said "I loved him so very much" and in mid sentence the tears welled up in my eyes. I immediately ended the discussion by saying that I thought we had the most amazing relationship but obviously it meant alot more to me than it did to him....thats the truth that I have to live with.........

Cj and I havent talked for a few weeks now and last night he sent me a quick Merry Xmas....he asked how I was and I replied only to get no answer back from him....Oh well...life goes on....

So that is My Merry Xmas.............I am still feeling very lonely but settling is not an option. It has been hard working with such young and vibrant women. I envy them in so many ways and I do feel so inferior in some ways as well. I would love nothing more than to be that age, that excited about life and still live in the magic of being in love.....

Namaste!~