I saw the funniest picture the other day. It was a banning sign that said Ban comic sans...LOL..you know, the font...oh anyway......

I just did a fairly long post about my daughter and I thought I should take a minute because I really need to share a bit about where I am today.

I cant decide if I am doing better today or not. I can say that it feels good to have finally gotten to the root of why I have been so obsessive with that guy. What I still cant figure out is if I know that and if I know that he will never come here why do I even want to continue talking to him. I think I have become a psycho chick so I know he thinks that. He hasnt contacted me since we talked on the phone Thursday night so late. I was so flat and I didnt make much sense I am sure. He hasnt reached out since and instead of taking that as a good thing, I am looking at myself thinking I am flawed.

I am so tired...so damn tired of living my life like this. This not how I saw it going down at 37 years old. I feel unproductive, unattractive and undesirable. I dont know what a healthy relationship is when it comes to a men. It seems at this point that any man I like is doomed to get an obsessive psycho chick...I would laugh at that but it really isnt too funny. I dont know what it is going to take to do it differently.

I would like to say ..OK!! I am not going to even think about dating for a while. I am going to focus on me and getting my life together. Hell, I should have been doing that all along but I got side tracked...I have been side tracked for 2 and a half years now....What is it about a person that I would allow them to have that much power over me......Its not like he asked for it or dare I say even came close to wanting it. All he wanted was for me to forget about US and just be friends. That was something I couldnt do. Now I cant remember any of it. Not one single bit of the goodness we shared together. Its all been washed away by years of rejection, pain and destructive tendencies......

That just really bummed me out to say. It is truly all gone...there is no going back. Not even for a friendship. it just sucks is all. I will never understand why he didnt love me. I will never understand what was it about me that was so undesirable to him or to anyone. I mean there is something to be said for a woman who falls in love and then gets dumped every time. Every man I have ever loved has left me. Even my obsessive, abusive husband cheated on me all the time.

You know what I wish...I wish there was a way to strip everything you know away from yourself. To just clear your mind of every thought and idea that is negative or that has affected you negatively and start all over again. A total rebirth of sorts with no memories of being hurt, used or forgotten. I wish I could wake up tomorrow with no thoughts of the past that have scarred me and/or changed me into the person I am today. I wish I could be that girl I was when I was about 20. I really liked myself then. Sure I had already been through some stuff with the child abuse and my parents divorce but I liked who I was when I looked in the mirror. I had my entire life ahead of me. I felt pretty, smart, fun, interesting and I knew what I was worth.

Thats a big thing...knowing your own worth. Knowing what you deserve and dont deserve. Knowing that there isnt a person on this earth that can take away how you feel about yourself. I think I lost that part of myself when I was married to Kenny. After all the beatings I took and all the times I was told I was nothing, no one would ever want me and I was ugly and fat.......Yeah, I think that did it now that I think about it. I mean after hearing those same words for 9 years, it does something to you. somehow it is engrained in you that it is true. Perhaps that is why I truly am the way I am and everything afterwards has just been  a reinforcement of the lie.

See, I know it is a lie but I dont know how to say anything differently to myself. My behavior reinforces it........

Things to think about..........

Namaste~  

I am absolutely stressed after this weekend. I have spent the last 2 days glued to a radio station I dont even like to try and win tickets to a concert for my daughter. she has become deeply obsessed over a little boy band called the Jonas Brothers. For the last 2 weeks I have not only been on my own emotional roller coaster but I have had to deal with all the tears that my daughter has shed from not being able to get tickets to the Hannah Montana/ Jonas Brothers concert.

I swear I feel so powerless that I can not get these tickets for her and I have done everything I know to do. I have entered every contest, listened to endless bubble gum pop on the radio for hours and just about sold my soul to the devil to get the tickets. There are still tickets available if you want to pay 3000 bucks for a pair.

I have always tried to give my daughter what she really wants. I have never had the money to do a whole lot and she never asks for much at all. She is such a great kid with such a wonderfully loving heart and all week all she has done is cry. It is just killing me to see her go through this. Last night one of the girls from school called her to tell her she won tickets. She already has a set of 4 and won 4 more. She did not call to ask Hannah to go...no, just to kind of rub it in that she was going and selling the others on Ebay. Of course, after spending all day calling over and over I was a bit pissed at this kid for rubbing it in. Hannah, was of course, in tears.

I have made so many mistakes in my life and I havent always been the ideal mother. For many many years I was in active addiction and not even living with my children. I only got to see them on visitation days. That has been years ago but the fact of the matter is I feel like I have alot to make up for. My son doesnt remember all the years we were apart but Hannah does. She remembers being in places with me that a child had no business being. She remembers watching her dad beat me and scream at me until I was a sobbing mess in the floor. She remembers the day I dropped her off with my aunt and did not go back to get her. I could go on with this but it literally makes my stamach ache and I get extremely nauseated even thinking about it. I try to forget as much as I can about those days but they come to me often in flashes and I am reduced in an instant. It is so overwhelming to me that I could have chosen drugs over my own child.

The thing is...I left her in order to save her. I didnt know if I would be killed at any moment with my husband and I knew that I didnt want her around him. I wanted her to have a happy childhood. What I didnt realize was that no matter what my family gave her or that no matter how many toys or parties she had, they all meant nothing because I was not there.

I was away from my children for several years. I would come back home and then leave again on another drug stint or make up with the husband. I was caught in the most vicious of cycles. I was literally walking with the devil hand in hand.

I say all this to say that I feel a bit of responsibility to my daughter and son and I dont want them to ever have to go without again. They dont expect much from me. They are so grateful that they have what they do. They dont ask for alot of things but when they do, I know it is because they really really want it.

I tried to get these tickets the week they went on sale. Ever since then I have been trying to win them any way I can. The concert is next Friday night and I am empty handed. I have this week to do whatever I can to get the tickets. I dont know about other moms but I would walk across hot coals in hell for my kids today. Especially mine. My daughter is saying she gives up and I dont want either of them to ever have that attitude. I want to say to them, what if I had given up and let your daddy really hurt me or what if I had given up and just quit trying to get and stay sober...but I dont say those things. My kids have been through alot in their lives and I want them to believe anything is possible...They deserve a little magic in their lives.......dont we all??

Namaste~