I have really had to take a deep look at why I have been so overly obsessed with the whole Bigtime thing and with life in general. I have spent days on end checking out clubs, restaurants and places to rent for the week he is here. What I have come to realize is that all of this obsession is a direct result of losing Jon in my life.

It was a mutual decision and the reason I said good bye was because it just wasnt fair to him. Enough has got to be enough. We had gotten to a good place and therapy took me back to a time where I was in so much pain. The problem was that instead of expressing the pain, I expressed the anger. I made comments like" I am so happy that I was broken on your path to learning more about yourself" and " I am glad you have learned from your past mistakes...it makes me feel so good to know I was that mistake".......

I have to ask myself if that is what I really feel and to be honest there is a part of me that does. Dont get me wrong, I love the man with all my heart. I want his happiness so much and I am quite good that it isnt going to be with me. I accepted that. Hell, I dont even remember the good times we shared. I used to be able to but not anymore. Its all pain and confusion that I know now behind that relationship.

I thought that I had become desensitized to all of it. When the decision was made I wasnt bothered in the least. Why?? Because I was completely focused and obsessed about that guy coming here. I had demoralized myself, threw out every part of my inhibitions, reduced myself to an object and forgot all about Jon.

Ya know the craziest part of all of it is that in reducing myself with with this guy, I made myself unattractive to him. That whole attempt to act openminded and open to anything, I becaome someone who creeped him out. He finally told me I was freaking him out with all the mail and asked that I chill out a bit. As a result of that conversation I have been too embarrassed to contact him...which dont get me wrong...is a good thing.

So where does that leave me?? It leaves me with nothing to fill the void that is there because my best friend in the world has told me good bye forever. It wasnt lets get back together in time...it was I am done and I cant do this with you anymore.....

I have hit a bottom. I lost my job somewhat on Friday too. I still work for i9 sports but only seasonally now. I am still the cheerleading director but it only applies in the months that cheerleading is going on.......So what am I going to do now...Well, I got a small seasonal job until I find something more substantial....selling shoes for Liz Claiborne...Not even close to anything I would want for myself nut its something for Xmas

My bottom has taken me to a place where I dont know what direction to take. I should be finishing in the spring and I am going to have to work....The last step to doing what I want to do is now going to be postponed.Emotionally I feel lost. I should be focusing on my surgery this January and it is the farthest thing from my mind. I have even lost my connection with God. Hell, I am in recovery and all these plans with THAT GUY include partying my ass off. What kind of sense does that make?

I just dont understand how I can be so unhealthy at this point in my life. I know I am not suppose to judge it and everyone keeps telling me I am not as bad as I think I am but I feel it. I feel confused and lost. I am living a lie and I am living with a split personality. I am one person for someone and then someone else for the rest.......I have enough problems being Bipolar than to admit that I might have a split personality. One side of me is fun, extroverted, dangerous, promiscuious(spelling?) and active in my addiction...the other side of me is balanced, proactive, friendly but somewhat reserved and God aware......One side walks with God and the other side goes against everything I know to be spiritual.....Why to get some random guy I think is hot to come spend a meaningless week with me in hopes that he will really like me.....

What is it about me that I have to feel I am not enough just as I am. Its almost impossible for me at this point to be honest about my life situation. How do I admit that my house is falling apart and I dont have the money to fix it, how do I admit that because there are 4 people in my family and we only have 3 bedrooms that I dont have my own room to sleep in, how do I admit that my car is breaking down and I cant get a new one or better yet that my work history is so poor that I cant seem to get a decent job now that I have been laid off..........I could go on all day with all of it.......my question really is where is the gratitude in all of that?? I have a good and happy life, even without those things...why?? because I pretend that none of it is happening....I go along with life pretending that everything is wonderful in some kind of hope that it will be........

I guess over the last few days or when I was told I was weirding out a guy who only wants to do me....I have had to get with the reality of my life. I weirded out a guy that only wants to shag me. Does anyone get that like I do?? That is how unhealthy I am right now......

I dont want to be here and the only thing that is going to get me out of it is by working the steps and going to more meetings. The step up starts now...I am not going to try and contact that GUY again and I am not going to allow myself to be used as a prop or toy for someone elses fantasy.

I miss Jon in my life and where I had balance and support I feel alone. He was the only one on the world who REALLY knew me. I dont know if I can ever get that back with anyone. He was the one who reminded me who I was when I started to split emotionally.His love and support has carried me through so much and my sobriety today is a direct result of his support.

I guess God is saying that I have to learn these things for myself. I need to be able to love and support myself. I need to lean on others for love and support...not some man to tell me my worth...obviously I dont know what the hell I am doing in that regard...Ist almost funny that some guy who has the motives he does would even care if I was a bit whacky.....he says you are weirding me out..Hey lets have a dinner party or BBQ.....what is that all about?

Namaste~