Looks like I have more to say here than I do on my other blog. I really hope that I can get back to that person who thought deep crazy things and loved to write about them. I was that way once....funny and just a bit strange...not so strange that people didnt get it but just a bit off.

Bare with me, this post is really about processing some feelings I have going on and I thought that if I shared them here then I might let go of the need to share them with the Nerd. Right now I want to tell him these things but I dont want anything to be complicated. Honestly, I also dont want him to know that I am not OK with all of this on some days. So I am going to write this post  and work through my thoughts and feelings right now.

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I guess I should start by saying that I am sad. All weekend long my heart has been heavy. It wasnt like the situation was on my mind the whole time but I did feel very sad and I know that sadness stems from the lack of communication we are having today. Its not even about lack of communication at this point. It is more about pushing me out and moving on to the point that I am not even a memory anymore. Maybe I am wrong but regardless, it is how I feel. I am sad that it has turned out this way and I take blame for that. Yes he hurt me terribly and there should be fault in that but I wanted so much to be his friend. I just couldnt do it on most days. I couldnt love someone that much and deal with the feelings of being unwanted and not being good enough. I fought with myself for so long and in the process I took him through the mud with me. After so long you start to get tired and you get over it. I truly believe that is what has happened here. He had enough of the back and forth and just completely let go and moved on.

I know that is a great thing in the grande scheme of things but I wish so much that it could have been different. The truth is that it has forced me to do the same thing. It has forced me into a position where I have no choice but to let go completely. I have gotten to a point where I dont know what to say. I dont feel that my mail or calls are wanted and when I do get a reply, it is short and to the point. It always lacks emotion or feeling and that is what I wanted and needed from him the most.

I cant think anymore...I am really tired...I will come back in a few hours and write some more...I need alot more process time

Namaste~