Once we realize that the split has actually occurred we start becoming desperate. We fight the truth, we cry and plead to God that it isn't true and we beg like hell for them to come back. This stage is probably the hardest to go through other than the anger period. We don't want to believe that this could actually be happening to us. The questions start to form in our head......the biggest being...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??...We begin to believe that there must, indeed, be something wrong with us or this would not have happened. If you are like me you started looking back at your life trying to figure out who you screwed over and was it bad enough to be punished for. You stop looking at yourself in the mirror because you see something so undesirable and unwanted that it makes you cringe and you just cant stand seeing the swollen eyes and red nose any longer. Your self esteem is in the dirt.

So there you are reeling trying to figure out all the things you could have done differently, trying to figure out why you are being punished and hating yourself all at the same time. Am I right?? Then it hits you...if I can make myself more attractive or if I become what they want then they will come back. Like we really know what they want anyway!! But we try...we get our nails done, our hair done, we go on diets and start reading girlie magazines in hopes that we will learn some new trick to give us an edge. We take a few weeks to get just perfect so that we can make sure we are now ready to show them what they are missing.

At this point we are obsessed. We are no longer thinking about the pain of the break up. We have defocused off the real issue because we are sure that this gimmick will work for us. Our whole life is consumed with our drug of choice. We are hooked just like the crack alley junkie trying to get their fix and once we think we are in that perfect physical shape or mental frame of mind, we put on the mask and start the unending hunt.

I could go on and on about the hunt that ensues but we know what we do...Every time we show up or make sure we are in the right place at the right time only makes us frustrated. We never get the response we want and it only breaks us more. Maybe some of you were given some attention to the point that you believed there was still a chance only to feel used and emotionally raped all over again. All of which lead you back to the same place you started at. Its over and you don't know how to move on.......the games don't work and you are left alone with your diseased mind telling you that you are not worth having or being loved.

This is the time to start looking back and getting to the root of why things turned out the way they did. The great thing about this time is that sometimes we actually realize early on that we were never the problem to begin with but if you are like me..it is going to take some work to recover. It might not last very long before we return to the feelings of low self esteem but just that awareness alone will help you later on through your process. Hold on to it for now.

Once you have accepted that it is truly over, it is important to make a plan on how you will deal with the remaining stages that you will go through before you finally find that place within yourself where the acceptance and freedom will come from. The first step in this process starts with alot of writing. We will be doing a whole heck of a lot of writing, making lists, making affirmations and journaling our feelings. All of these things will guide you on your way to emotional freedom from the pain you are in right now.

Lets start with the famous Pro's and Con's list...........Take a day and think of all the wonderful things about your relationship...every great memory, every loving moment and every word of kindness spoken. I know the point here is to lessen the pain but this project has a point so you are going to have to trust me. Every time you think of something write it down in your Pro's column. These are all the things that made you love them to begin with. They are the reasons you are where you are right at this very moment. Now the key here is to not spend too much time reliving the memories. All we want are the memories here, not you falling into a fantasy of what you are missing. Trust me when I say that the next list will show you that.........

Now start writing.............