I used to write this journal with the knowing that people read it but at this point, it doesnt matter if anyone does. This has become my place to write about the things I know,feel and dream of.

This last week has been really hard in the recovery arena. I have had an overwhelming desire to use. Well, not use as much as just thinking about it...a preoccupation with the dope. What I have learned in recovery has taught me that we go through periods during the year that are harder than others, when it comes to staying sober. Perhaps, it is an anniversary of the heart that does it or maybe its just that this is the season that I have always given in and given up.

There are 2 times of year that I am most vulnerable. Usually in February or September. It usually always coincides with the changing of the seasons. Summer I am usually sober and doing well and winter I hybernate so there is no need.

A week ago, the weather started to change and the air began to smell differently. I love the clean, fresh smell of fall. I love waking up to a chilly morning that warms up as the day goes on. The only problem is that this last week, I have been thinking about using. It started one day on my way to the bank, downtown. It was my ritual time of when I used to go and get high and I had to take the same route. It was early morning, with that smell in the air and I could see the house I partied at from the interstate. It threw me for a loop when my brain started to tell me I could get a few valium or zanex and be just fine with it.

It scared the crap out of me, honestly. I fought it and ran straight back out into the burbs, where I live, only to find myself spending all of my money I had just gotten, at Target, on useless stuff. It seems as if I have fallen into a  pattern of financial irresponsibility again. Instead of acting on my crazy thinking, I am spending way too much money. The crazy part is that I dont need anything I am buying. I am actually buying things for other people.

The real reason for my post is because on top of the waking problems I seem to be having, I am having terribly surreal dreams or nightmares, really. Other than the one I had last night, they are all the same. It's the kids, Jon and myself and things are wonderful but I am always secretly using....everything always falls apart and I am left alone.

My dream last night or actually early this morning was really hard. Once again, I woke up crying and my heart was hurting so badly. I still feel hung over from it. In the dream I was with Jon. I had gone to visit and we had gotten very intimate. It was all on his lead which was never really the case with him. The thing about it was that every time we would have sex...he would immediately blow me off, which hurt. It seemed to be the last night I was there and I couldnt get him to spend any time with me. Sure he wanted to have sex when it was time for bed but up to that point, I remember the hurt of trying to get his attention and being blown off. In the dream, as soon as I fell asleep, I was sent to another scene where this woman had come to the door. She was evidently his new girlfriend. I remember talking with her trying to figure it all out and she told me she didnt love him, that he wasnt what she wanted but she just couldnt let go of him. She said that she just needed someone to be there when she got lonely. I was so hurt and so angry that he would be such a fool to be taken advantage of like that. Then the thing came out that hurt me the most. She had been doing all of this with him while we were together. 

Now, I know that hwen Jon and I were together that he didnt cheat on me. I know him so well and I have known about every relationship he has had before and after me. I also know that he spent all of his free time with me....so why I dreamt of him with someone else is beyond me. Maybe its because I fell asleep watching that freaking hilarious show Cheaters....LOL

It was another dream where I woke up with my heart aching and I felt that huge need to talk to him. Of course, sadly, we do not communicate much anymore. In those moments, I wish so much that I could pick up the phone and have him soothe me with his words of love and care. The truth is that he was never like that and I never had a reason, when we were together, to call when I had a breakdown. I just didnt have them then. Even after he left, I did not call him. That is one thing I can say to be true. I might have emailed the hell out of him but I never called. That was up to him and for a while there we talked all the time on the phone. I havent spoekn to him real time since March. Gosh that has almost been six months.

I found myself awake with my pillow wet, my heart so heavy and a sadness that had fallen over me that felt like nothing would ever be OK again.

The last week has been a roller coaster of dreams like this. The utter sadness that I feel when I wake up is disturbing. It hangs over me throughout the whole day and I end up just having another similar dream the very next night.

I got a new sponsor on Friday and I am hoping that it turns out well. I have a great feeling about this woman and she has already taken the time to reach out to me and get together with me which is awesome.

The hard part is that she knew my father. I havent written much about my dad, and maybe I should, but it is something that causes me great pain and discomfort. It was such a sad and hurtful relationship. To sum it up...I wanted to be just like him, I was never good enough or pretty enough for him no matter what award I got or what pageant I won.....it was never enough. Today I know he did the best he could with what he had...which wasnt much.....He couldnt be a father when he had never really experienced having one himself........

Lynne is a wonderful woman but maybe she is too close. Maybe that is what keeps me a step back and not into it with all of me. I am going to make the effort and try like hell not to run when things get too hard emotionally.

God knows I am a strong woman. I have been through hell and back in so many areas of my life. I am a survivor and I will continue to be. I just need to be willing to step out on faith and continue to move towards spiritual and emotional freedom.

Namaste~