I have been really motivated to cook lately. Back in 1995 I went to Chef School where I  was certified as a Working Chef. For about 4 years I worked in some of the best kitchens in Nashville under some really great chefs. My specialty was Garde Manger (Gar...Mage...A) and I did hot and cold hors d’ oeuvres, salads, soups and so on. I really loved working as a chef but then life showed up, I partied a bit too hard after work and my work suffered as a result. Seems as if I a hit a creative wall and for the life of me couldnt come up with anything new. I also found that the anal side of me was not fast enough for the line. I wanted everything I created to be plated incredibly which led me to be alot slower in getting my food out. Since I was the first course out that didnt bode well with my head chef.

It has been a long time since I have cooked in a real kitchen and my life has gone in a total opposite direction but as I get ready for my surgery I have been spending more time in the kitchen preparing some wonderful low cal dishes that are fresh from the garden onto the table. I guess it would be called Californian style cooking.

For the first time in years I am spending more than an hour cooking on any given day. I have had to come to terms with the fact that food is my friend and I dont have to live to eat but now I am eating to live.

I am making really great food choices today and I am slowly losing about 2 pounds a week. I feel I could drop alot more if I wasnt so lazy and would get out and exercise. The weather should be cooling down here in a bit and that will make it easier to get out and walk.

I have finally found focus with my food and am not eating to medicate my feelings anymore. Dont get me wrong , I still have my moments. Last night for instance, instead of cooking a healthy meal, I ate a bowl of Lucky Charms.....And boy were they great!!! LOL..The thing is...I didnt eat a monster bowl and I used skim milk...I know I am justifying it ..leave me alone!! LOL

On Another note:

I am headed to a funeral today. A woman from my group in AA committed suicide on Friday. They found her kneeling in a praying position with a note by her head. She had some major back problems and I think she just gave up because the pain was too much to live with. She left behind 2 pre teen sons, one of which was disabled. It is such a shame and I dont know if I can really understand. I mean I know all too well what it feels like to want to quit. I have been there a few times myself but what always brought me back to reality was the fact that I have 2 great kids whose life would be ruined by me taking my life. That is a sobering thought for me and I know that no matter what comes down the road for me and no matter gow depressed I get ,as a result, it will never be enough for me to take my own life and leave my children behind to have to pick up the pieces. I just couldnt knowingly hurt them like that. Most of the women from my program will be there today and I dont plan on staying for the whole thing. I am going to the wake and then I am leaving. I dont do funerals well. Its not that I get emotional.Its quite the opposite really. I find that I am so numb and emotionaless that I offend people by my lack there of. So I will go and pay my respects to her family and then I have to come back and go to work.

Namaste~