I am really going through it!! I tried to cover it up by finding happy music....I know cheesy.....but I tried!! I have been writing alot lately and I dont mean in my journal. Emails!! Tons of emails. It seems like I could stay online for days and still be writing them.

It truly is unhealthy for me. I am sitting in my house, sweating with the air conditioner on. The heat index is 107 today and I had plans to take the kids to the fair but of course we got the dates wrong. It is so typical for me.

I feel kind of lost right now. I feel really alone. In reality, I am not but I feel that way. I am looking for something. I want something but I cant have it. The want is love. I want to be loved.

I am 37 years old and I think I will probably spend my life alone. I dont ever meet people....I dont have any men in my life other than Jon and we arent going to get into that. He has moved on. We have settled into the friendship. It is obvious. I need to quite writing. I learned a while back to quit writing down how I feel. I dont have to share every emotion I go through. It does me no good and actually only hurts me more. I make mistakes by being to open and saying how I feel. How can someone be such a knuckle head, really?? I mean I understand. There have been people in my life that are great. I love them but I dont want to be with them and no matter how much I know that they would be good for me, I just dont want them.

You have 2 people......2 states away. 1 is in love with the other. The other doesnt want the 1. Its a perfect match. I could go and visit.......no talk about the future. I could never move. We laugh, play and can talk about anything...still its not enough. I see the potential of a great long distance relationship. Nothing would change other than me coming to visit every month or so. We could hang out, love and laugh......be what it is, ya know??

The problem......I am unattractive sexually. There is no sexual desire for me. Even when we dated there was no sexual desire. Sure we had sex but I can count on one hand how much foreplay we had and on less than 2 fingers the times he initiated sex. We had sex everytime we were together..........it was pretty good but lacked excitement. It was traditional and there was no playing. I know I am big and I know that cant be attractive. Fat is not attractive. I will not always be fat. I think it is probable one of the greatest motivators to have my surgery. To think that I lost the love of my life because I was fat just kills me. It was perfect in every way except for the weight issue. Sure he loves me....but he doesnt want me. That is so hard...all the time....no matter how much time has passed...the hurt is still raw.

I will not always be fat like this. I refuse to be. I will lose the weight but the relationship will always be over. I dont think if I was skinny anything would change. It gets me, I am really pretty and I am smart, funny and fun to be with. I think I am pretty damn kewl. A bit new age and a little rock and roll with a big nerd rolled inside.Whats not great about that. I know..>FAT!!

I am writing like I am not even present right now....its short and emotionless

Im done.....for now.........

Namaste~

Elyse