Well, I am into my second month of my pre-op diet for my surgery and as of right now I might as well not be on one at all. I am just not doing too well and I have got to make better choices. I tell you what though...I am tired of people talking about how easy it is. Do people realize how expensive it is to eat healthy?? It would be easy if it was just me but I have 3 other people to feed and they are not on a diet.  I wish I could find a solution to this but I am still at a loss. The other problem I find is that I when I do have the healthy choices, there is always an unhealthy one staring me in the face. I have been doing my protein shakes and have stepped up with the vitamins. Thats really important for the surgery. I need a complete change in diet and I am going to make today the day I attempt to do it!!

On other notes, well, I just dont know.......I am feeling a void and I am not sure what to do about it. I have got to take a step back from Nerd to a certain extent. It is hard when you bare your soul to someone and then thats just it....You bare it, you are heard and then its the end of the discussion. I know I cant expect anything other than what it is and what it is has nothing to do with what I want. God always has the plan but that doesnt mean I have to like it.

So its back to what it was......a mail every few days and thats that. 2 people a far distance away...being friends and sharing their lives.......I guess I can find peace with that. At least I was able to say all that I feel, ya know?? I have wanted to express it all for so long and now that I have and I have not seen the results I had wished for, well, it saddens me but I will be OK. I cant expect something I know is not there to begin with.

I have been living in a dream for years now. I have been waiting for the perfect moment to say all that was in my heart and I got the opportunity to do that. I have lived with this deep faith that God would, in His own time, bring him back to me. I just knew that there would come a day when Jon said, Elyse...I get it and I know where I am suppose to be and that is with you. Sily, I know...nieve and foolish. I am a big dreamer...I am like a kid that believes that on Xmas morning I am going to get that one huge thing I have been asking for, no matter how much it costs.  Its me waking up knowing that Santa can and will bring you whatever you ask for. Its the same belief I have in God. I want to always believe that God will give me the desires of my heart if I wait for it and have patience. When does that patience wear out?? Its been 2 years almost that I have been waiting. When do you say, God I understand it was not meant for me and move on?? I still cant help but hope. I am waiting on a word that I know is going to come very soon and it is going to give me the answers I want. It will be the close of hoping and praying for that one big gift or it will be the day I get what  my soul has been yearning for.

Ya know, its funny...somedays I am like whats the big deal...yeah it was good but it wasnt that good. Why are you holding on to it? Its not that big of a deal. I really wish I knew that answer. All I know is that a part of me left when he did. There is this missing piece and the only way I can get it back is through him. Sometimes I wonder if it is the conquest I long for. The HA moment when I can say that I am not unwanted. Maybe it is ego saying that once I am  acknowledged and wanted then it will be enough.

Ok lost my train of thought...LOL...Bridget Jones Diary....I love Collin Firth ..too hot!!........

Ahhh Hell!! Who knows what is going to happen in my life....I will have faith and patience for God to reveal Himself to me.

Namaste~