I have literally lost my brain over the last week or so. It seems that with every passing day I get more and more stressed out. I went to a meeting Tuesday night, like I do every Tuesday, and I couldnt even dress myself. I ended up showing up in a pair of shorts, an old grey tee shirt and a baseball cap. The crazy thing was that I could have cared less what anyone thought it. Crazier than that, I had several people tell me how cute I looked and that I just glowed.

Now if I am glowing it is because there is a neon marker over my head that is blinking "I am about to chew through my restraints"..........

Let me tell you about how I have always been. I have never finished a damn thing in my life. Well, thats not completely true but it is true when looking back at the last 10 years. I have always had a knack for over loading my plate and when it gets too full I just quit. Usually, instead of saying I can not handle the stress, I suddenly come up with some major pain problem or I get sick in some way. Of course, this is just the precursor to a relapse.

I really dont know why it is that I cant just get a  job and be a part of the team. I seem to always end up in some type of supervisory position where I am running something and someone. All of which adds to my stress level. Not only am I responsible for my own work, I am also responsible for the work others to.

Since I have been sober my plate has gotten fuller and fuller. I am marketing director and office manager for the company I work for,I am finsihing up my degree in school, I am chair for a retreat coming up in November that will have at least 300 women,I am chair for my home group, I have my kids and the house to take care of, My children's extra curricular activities and math tutoring, I am cheerleading Coordinator, Head cheerleading coach and Site coordinator for a youth sports league and I have my meeting 4 nights a week.

Can you say Overwhelmed?? LOL........I go 6 days a week from 5 Am til about 9 Pm everyday and even on Sunday I have a morning committment.

I dont know how I get myself into these things. My personality is such that I am just a born leader. I am not boasting but my ENFJ personality profile explains it all very well. It doesnt matter what I am doing, I end up running it. Sometimes I feel it is just because other people refuse to step up to the plate and take on responsibility and I am not afraid of it.

The problem with all of it is that I sabbotage myself by doing all of it. I get so overwhelmed that I break after a while.Tuesday night at the meeting someone asked me how I was doing as I walked to my car and before I could say "Oh, Im doing well and you?" ( my usual expression when asked that question)......I broke down into tears........I sobbed on this woman's shoulder for a good 30 minutes expressing everything I am feeling right now. I am probably sure she was sorry she asked!! LOL

I feel another reason I am feeling this way is because I have lost my pal who I have leaned on for several years now. Nerdboy never really responded to it much but he was always quick to remind me of my M.O. and that I needed to take a day for myself. I feel that losing him in my life has added to my confusion and stress. It is a good thing that I am keeping busy because it keeps me from thinking about the loss too much.

I am spilling things, running into stuff, driving off curbs, I am late to everything and that is so unlike me and my house is a wreck which is unlike me too. I have taken to calling out in the last week from things when I not only have a responsibility to the group or situation but to other people. I have always been one to give New Commers rides to meeting and I have alot of women who depend on me to give them a lift. I have also not been answering the phone unless it is work oriented.

All of this spells bad news for me. I was so very proud of myself a few weeks ago because I was holding my own and actually excelling in everything I was trying to accomplish. Dont get me wrong, I am still holding my own but my personal life has become non existant. I do not have time for friends, I miss calling my sponsor on some days and when I am at a meeting, all I can think about is getting home which means I dont hear what I am there to hear.

I really dont have a solution to any of this. This is my life and it is not going to change. I just need to learn what I can about finding Balance in my life today. My plate is full and I cant take anything else on right now.

Monday is my birthday and I will be 37 years old. I really dont know how I feel about that. I mean I am doing really well in my life, I am financially stable, at least for my needs at the moment, I have a good job, I am graduating college next year, if things go as planned, and my kids are wonderful, although both home sick today.

I am asking for prayers today. Prayers that ask God to continue to push me in the direction I am going in. I am asking that God helps me see everything I attempt today, through. I am also asking for alot of joy, patience and compassion as I do it.........

Namaste!