I was looking through photobucket trying to find just the right gif to say what I felt about how much I miss Jon today. I saw alot that said " I miss the person you were" or " I F'ing miss you dork"...<~~ that would have worked just as well as the one I have. My point is there were some that were those really pathetic missing you gifs and the really angry ones but I am not feeling that way today. I havent really felt that way at all. I have had days where I have felt like the fool and there has been anger but more towards myself.

It is amazing to me how my mind works. For over 2 years I have held on to him only asking that he recognize me for who I am. I really believe if he had done that I could have been good with whatever happened in our lives. Now I say that but I dont think I would and will ever be OK with him being in love with someone else. Thats all about her getting something I didnt, kind of stuff.

The point I want to make here is that for so long it has been about me and my feelings. My actions, as sick as they were, did not get to him because he would just block me out but over the last few months I have seen how my feelings and actions affect him and how unhappy it made him. It wasnt until he was miserable that I had the strength to let go. It was always about him and his happiness and he was unhappy and I couldnt stand knowing that it was me that caused that....So,.I did something that hurt myself in order to make him happy and give him peace. Thats what I did when I ended communication with him. It was about him, his peace and his happiness. Its crazy that I couldnt let go until I knew he was unhappy with being my friend. It was if I couldnt do it for myself but I could do it for him and that is what I did.

It has only been a week and a half since we spoke last but I really miss him. I want to know how he is doing. School has started and I really wanted to be a part of that with him. Its so hard when all you want is to love and support someone. I always thought my only goal was to be the best friend I could be for him but I see, today, just how unhealthy that is. I forgot about my needs in the process. I was willing to settle for anything just to have him in my life. Today I know I deserve better than that. Today I know that I deserve to be the most important person in someone's life and that I am worthy of love. I dont have to beg for it today and it feels good to know that. He never really cared about my life and I am firm believer our friendship continued due to his guilt about how it affected me. 

Regardless of the blaming game or who did or didnt do what, I miss my friend. I miss talking with him and I mis knowing how he is feeling on any given day. I am sad that I cant be that support in his life even thought he had stopped sharing with me because he was afraid of how I would take things since he had told me he had moved on. Sadly, after I heard that, I couldnt hear anything else. Everything from that point was lost in translation.

I wonder sometimes if we will ever speak again. It wont be me that reaches out. I need to know that reaching out comes from him because he really does care about me, my kids and my life. I want him to be genuinely interested in my day to day and want to keep up with how I feel for a change. God is the only one who knows if that is going to happen. I hope that I havent lost him forever but maybe my feelings will change over time. Right now I still love his punk arse and I am trying to deal with that to the best of my ability.

I am still checking every email hoping it will be from him. I am still checking his MY Space page just to see what mood he puts up. I am still adding songs that remind me of him to my playlists, just in case he ever stops by for a read......I know all of that will fade over time and the truth is...I dont want it to. Not loving Jon anymore feels like a betrayal of sorts. Letting go means that it has all been for nothing and it means I have watsed 2 plus years of my life on a fantasy. That is really hard to accept and deal with.

Namaste~