Well if this doesnt beat all I dont know what does. 37 years old, overweight and completely out of shape and I have been named Cheerleading Co Ordinator for i9Sports Franchise(where I work). I didnt mind that they said you have to write a program as coordinator. I didnt mind that they said you have to Site Coordinator and at every game but when they said you have to coach the cheerleaders I almost fell out!! Now I have a ton of cheer experience but that was a long, long time ago and it was also a 100 pounds ago. How in the world are a bunch of pre teen girls going to look up to me as a role model?? Sure I am a great person and yes I am wonderful with kids but can you see me trying to teach girls to do split jumps?? I cant get my knee to my chest anymore!! When I do stretches I cant bring my nose to the floor anymore either.

I do have to admit that there is a part of me that is excited about it. I love teaching and I always have. I am pretty good at it but what I want to teach most is softball. Hopefully, in the near future, I will be able to do that as our league expands. I can at least say that by next fall I will be alot leaner and more in shape.

I swear I cant wait to have surgery!!! Since I have decided to have the Lap Band I am having to accept that I will not lose as fast as I would with the RNY. 2-5 pounds a week but I have to work for it. I really believe that I will be alot more motivated to exercise once I have had the surgery. I know that if I exercise I can lose twice as much , twice as fast. What a great thing to know that anything you do to lose weight will actually make it happen. I cant tell you how discouraging it is to walk and eat right for a month or two and not lose a pound. with the surgery, I am guaranteed........

I am having my surgery in January and I know it is right when school starts but with the Lap Band I will only be down about 3 or 4 days. I will have a medical excuse and only miss a week of class...Really only 2 since I do all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I cant tell you how excited I am......Its life changing!! And I am definitely ready for an UP year!!

January is the beginning of a New Year and it will be a Beginning for me of different sorts... I will have a new outlook on health and my body....I will be thinner....I will be 5 months out of emotional bondage and I will be finishing up my classes in order to graduate and I will be 1 more year sober!! 2008 is going to be My Year!! I can feel it.....Thank you God for this new outlook I have today....Things are good even though my fat butt is going to be coaching cheerleading!!

LOL

Namaste!!!

I saw that movie about 10 years ago and I cant tell you just how moved I was when watching it. I have a certain view of what heaven is like and most people I know find it a bit bizarre sometimes. I think it is in my belief in reincarnation that people have the most problems.

Our dreams affect us in so many ways. I know for myself that I can wake up smiling behind a dream and there are those, too, that I wake up from in tears. I have always been that way. My dreams have always been so vivid and real that they seem to always spark some type of emotion from me.

I posted yesterday about how humiliated I felt behind all the years I spent chasing a dream and a man. Honestly, my feelings havent really changed much but the intensity has changed drastically. I dont know if I will ever get to a place where I can look at it like my sponsor does. What she told me was that it was very honorable to love someone so much or to the point where you are unwilling to give up on them for any reason. She said I should feel good about the fact that I had the strength to really walk away this time. I told her how many times I have tried and failed and she pointed out that,that doesnt matter. what matters is that I am standing strong today and making the decision to move forward.

Ya know, all of that sounds great but I am still very embarrassed by my actions. It has finally sunken in what I have been like the last few years and how weak and helpless I have portrayed myself. What I know today is that I can make it through those feelings and find peace in time. I know that my choice to let go is what is best and what was needed. I have finally made the decision that I am the most important person and I dont need to stay anywhere were I am not wanted. I deserve better than that and not once did Nerd ever say to me that someone else would be very blessed to have me. That says so much to me. I even asked him once and his reply was "NO, you know guys are intimidated by smart women" ...again with the words that hurt..........I always respected the forwardness of his responses but he sometimes forgot he was talking to a very sensitive woman.

ANYWAY!! on to my dream.........

I had a dream last night that was odd and I know what it all means but I thought I would write it down.

I was in my room and I was laying in the bed...just like I actually was.....As I was laying there I realized that there was a computer in my room that I had never noticed before. I could see on the screen that I had an email and something in me knew it was from Jon......I tried so hard to get to the computer but I couldnt ever reach it to read what it said. It was if everything cropped up...all my responsibilities were hitting me at once and everyone had something for me to take care of. There came a point in my dream where I looked down at a picture of my mom and she spoke to me...asking her regular weekly question...how are you doing Shan?? She smiled as she said that and all the sudden I was overwhelmed with happiness. I smiled back at her and said I am good mom...really good...and per usual her response was "are you sure?"....thats how my mom and I's convo goes everytime we talk.... The greatest part of that dream other than the fact that I was diverted from being focused on the email and the PC was that I felt alot of joy. The craziest thing was that I woke up from the dream with the phone ringing and it was my mom........

There have been many times in my life where I have heard my mom calling out to me. It was usually when I was somewhere in trouble or really strung out on drugs. I could hear her crying out for me to call her and wanting to know if I am OK..........It seems as if I have had alot of relationships like that. In the beginning of Jon and I's relationship I knew when he was going through something at work. When he left I could feel him when he was down. Sadly that has gone away over time as he has changed and evolved. The point is that I have had that psychic connection with people I am very close to in my life.

Ok I have rambled enough ... I am out of thoughts.....its weird how my mind just turns off in the middle of a thought........WEIRD!!

Namaste~