Its another restless night at 911 Rachels Place. I cant even begin to remember when I had a good nights rest. It has been so long ago. I decided to do something a bit different tonight and that was to come and journal.

I am making some new committments as of right now which will really take effect when I get up in the morning. I have been stuck...stuck in a place where all I could see was a downward spiral back to the pain, misery and chaos of my depression and my addiction. It can be so hard sometimes being in recovery. Actually its the ease of it that makes it difficult. All I have to do is go to meetings on a regular basis. Thats it but I seem to find a million and one reasons why I cant go. Its because I dont feel well, I am tired, I dont have anything cute to wear...the list is endless.

The problem with that is when I dont get my spiritual food my spirit starts to come unraveled. My soul gets heavy and I find it very hard to connect to my inner being.

Over the last 2 weeks I have fallen into a major slump. Making excuses all along the way because I have just been so tired but I am grateful that I have a sponsor that doesnt put up with my excuses.

I spoke to Jerry this evening and I made  a committment. I will start this evening by attending a meeting at least every other day. I just cant slip back. I have so much to lose and I know I cannot do this by myself. I have patterns that I am starting to see. The only way to arrest them is if I do something differently.

I have got to do it differently. I am terrified of going back to that life. I was so unhappy and I couldnt enjoy the little things. I got to spend last night( a few hours ago) with my son watching old movies that I grew up watching. It is so kewl to me how I can share those things with my kids and they actually care about it. They are like little sponges wanting to know about what my life was like as a kid. I remember being the same way with my mom and dad.

So As of right now...I am starting my week over again. When I finally do sleep I am going to wake up fresh with a new beginning. I am going back to basics so to speak so that I can get back on track with my life.

On another note............

I had a very overwhelming experience today that crushed not only myself but my daughter and son as well. My daughter has a friend that used to be a neighbor. She is now 11 years old and almost 2 years ago her father sexually abused her. She loves her dad and has really hurt because she cant see him. which I can understand being a victim of childhood abuse. We have a tendency sometimes to love and protect our offenders. I cant imagine if it was my own father. Bless her heart, after it all happened her mother continued to see the father and dropped Kristen off with family members so she and her other daughter could spend the weekend with him. In essence Kristen was being punished for telling someone she has been abused. Her mother resents her and it is obvious. Personally, her mother makes me sick and I think she should suffer the same fate as the dad. Of course, his fate was probation...I am not even going to tell you how I feel about that.

Kristen moved away about 6 months ago but has kept in contact with my daughter, Hannah. A few weeks ago she called to invite Hannah to a B day party she was having that never happened because they were evicted from their apartment. 3 days ago, the mom was on the news because she had been in a high speed chase with police, they found drugs on her and she hit a cop. So now Kristen has been taken to live with her mothers mom who also has a severe drug problem.

When she called yesterday she called me from a pay phone crying to tell me about her mom. She said she asked the police to bring her here and they wouldnt because I wasnt family. The thing that broke my heart was that this 11 year old little girl was crying on the phone begging me to let her come live with me.

My first reaction was where are you I am coming now....The second thought was how can I support another child when I cant really take care of my own by myself. Where would she sleep?? How would I feed her and clothe her?? It would mean fighting for her in court and it would mean splitting her and her little sister up. Yet, with all of that I had this little girl who has suffered so much telling me she wishes I was her mom and she loves me and wants to be with me.

My daughter had a breakdown..running around the house trying to find things to sell so we could take her in. My son is promising to change all of her little sisters diapers if I will please let them come.

I talked with someone in criminal justice and asked them how it would work and they said that other than going to court and proving the grandmother was not a safe place, all I could do is support her.

All I could tell her was that I was here and she was welcome to come whenever she was allowed and wanted to. She is coming Friday for 3 or 4 days. My daughter and I have decided to give her the birthday party she never got. I am taking all of them to a place called Nashville shores. It is a huge water park with 10 slides and 5 pools and lots of in water climbing stuff. I am going to buy her some gifts and get her a cake and have a party just for her...........I know I cant take this child even though I want to so much but that doesnt mean I cant be here for her. I can support her and teach her that life will not always be as it is right now. That one day she will be on her own and will be able to make her own choices and she will feel safe one day.....If she stays strong I know that will happen for her. She tells me everytime she is here that she wishes I was her mother. Ina perfect world I could be hers and many others. Maybe this is what God has for me. Maybe my purpose is to help this child and raise my own. I have thought about that many times in my life...that my true purpose is to be a good mom and raise my kids to be all that they can be because they are truly the ones meant to do great things.

Only God know what is going to happen now........time will tell what His plan is for me and my life....What I do know is that as of right now...I am stepping up to the table again and saying BRING IT ON!!! LOL

Namaste~