I just love the version I have of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on my page. Its such a happy song and it fills me with so much hope when I hear it. I think if you could take song and put it in your heart to express how you feel about life and the world, I think that would be it. Cheesy to some, perhaps but it is my heart after all, right?? Thats all that matters.

I have been having the worst dreams lately. They are the same kind of dreams I have had for a long, long time. In all of my dreams lately there is a room. A room so scary and evil that I am terrified to enter it. Its always there, in every dream. Most of the time I enter it and the sense of dread that I feel is overwhelming. It is so evil and I feel as if I am being attacked. I feel the pain from it physically and often I wake up yelling out to make it stop. Have you ever had  dreams where you knew you were alseep and you were trying to wake yourself up?? Thats how this dream is.....My conscious mind tells my subconscious  that it is a dream and I need to wake up.

There are a lot of possible reasons this room exists. Personally, I feel that there are memories so painful and the room represents them. I feel I have stuffed these memories for a very long time and the trauma in that room is too much to handle. I never get to where I am trying to go when I am in there.

I suffer from something called post traumatic stress disorder. When I was a kid I was sexually abused by different people from the time I was 4 til I was around 14 or 15. It didnt happen the whole time but by the time I was about 8, it was a daily thing. All of those events and the events from being abused physically by my ex husband have caused the PTSD. I find that i react to things differently when it comes to men, the world and relationships. I have a hard time getting close to people out of fear of being hurt. I react to situations that I take way too personally. I read things into situations that are not real and valid. It has twisted my thinking in alot of ways.

I am currently in  deep therapy right now called EMDR and it is a huge part of why these nightmares have resurfaced. I am tapping into hidden memories and things I have buried. There is something there my mind does not want me to remember.

Sometimes I think it best to keep those memories hidden. I would like to say they are unimportant at this point but I somehow I feel they might be important. I am just really scared of what I might find..........

Namaste~