That picture that I posted is from one of my two all time favorite childrens books called "Where the Wild Things Are". That book was a wondeful fantasy about a little boy named Max and his island of wild things. They seemed so scary in the beginning by their appearances but as you read you find them to be intelligent, beautiful and caring creatures that are just misunderstood.

I have feel that way today in my life. I know that under these extra pounds of fat there is a beautiful and intelligent woman. Like the Wild Things I feel so very misunderstood. My last post was about the fairytale I have lived in most of my life, the dreams that I keep to not have to accept my place in the world today.

Since my last post I have found great peace to a certain extent. I have really let go of the future I had dreamt about with Jon. I have accepted that no matter how much I wish for something, it doesnt mean it will come true. I have also learned that no matter how sweet, pretty or kewl I might try to be, sometimes, it just isnt enough.

Ya know, I have always taken that part very personally because it had to mean that there was something lacking in me. The truth is that sometimes nothing we do will ever be enough and it is not our part in it that makes it that way.

Finding peace in your spirit takes years if not a lifetime. For some it is never found but the only reason that happens is becuase the person is  not open enough to receive the blessings that God wants us to have. People so often get caught up in chasing their dreams that they forget to take a step back and to just be still for a few minutes. 

When you are still, God has His greatest chance to move. Most people dont want to be still because then they have to admit to themselves that they are out of synch. They realize something is missing in their lives and they have been so busy they have failed to recognize it and by the time they do, they are old and their life has passed them by.  

I chose a certain path in my early 30's. I made the decision that my path would put God first and that my ultimate goal was to understand and serve to the best of my ability. Now in saying that, I am not an avid church goer and I dont speak in tongues to speak with God. My communication comes at different times. Sometimes I am in the car and I am thanking God for all the beauty and wonder there is in my life. I thank God for my rewards in this life and even for the awarenesses that hurt me.

 The whole situation with Jon was something I had to force myself to thank God for. My first reaction was.... "WHY AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME"....... What God told me is the same thing Jon has been saying all along.......ITs NOT ABOUT YOU.......even though I have a really hard time accepting that I realize that this isnt because something is wrong with me.

It is hard to accept. When I look at myself today I feel undesirable and unworthy to a certain extent because of my weight. I struggle with believing that anyone would be interested in me...IE one of my decisions to have the surgery is because I feel so unattractive with my weight. In the real world I know that I have much to bring to the table in a relationship but as long as I am this heavy, I dont feel like that will ever be enough. The first thing I always thought of when it came to my relationship with Jon was that he wasnt interested or moved by me because my fat made me undesirable physically. Honestly, I truly believe that to a certain extent and I guess I always will. I had gotten to a point that I thought if I had surgery and he still wasnt interested then I could truly let go because I would know for sure that it wasnt really me with the problem. I have held on to that for a really long time. It seems that it is really the only part I still struggle with today.

I really had a point to this post but I have been all over the board. To close I will sum it up by saying that I have found a high level of peace today. I am focusing on my relationship with God and what my future holds for me. I have realized that my fairytales hurt me, they do not help me. I have realized that in order to have the desires of my heart that I have to work for them and when the time comes for me to be involved again I have got to be willing to open my eyes and give that person a chance. I cant keep comparing everyone I meet to a past realtionship or person. I truly feel that my surgery will allow me to see what is me and what is not me. It might sound shallow but that is very important to me. Its so hard to gauge what is me and what is my fat. When you are large people treat you differently. Especially men. I just want to know if it is my weight that keeps me single or if it is something that has to do with me and my place in this world that makes it difficult for me. I say all of that but I have yet to even get out there and try to date. I have never given anyone a chance to even talk to me in that manner. I have been stuck in love with an unattainable man........I am letting go of that and I need to know how to proceed from this point on..........

Ramble Ramble..........LOL

NAmaste~~