I am feeling so much guilt this morning. Last night I was suppose to meet Ceej and I totally blew him off. I got so scared and felt so guilty that I had misrepresented myself that I just couldnt go through with it. I gave him bogus directions and told him to wait til I called him for him to come but he decided to take a 30 minute cab ride to find me instead...all of which left him walking down the road looking for an address that didnt exist. In the beginning I felt justified because he has a girlfriend and he was hiding me just to eventually hook up for sex. All of which I acted like I was up for just to get his attention. I dont know why it was so important to me that he like me. The saddest part is ultimately what he liked was not me at all. I sent bogus pictures of myself out of fear of rejection. I know it was completely wrong because when it came down to it, it was the late night intimate chats that connected us but it was all based on lies. For 9 months we have been talking leading up to the day that we would finally meet but then he got involved with someone. Again remember it was all based on lies from the beginning.

I feel so bad today and it feels like all of it has come to a head. I misled him and I have been doing it with alot of people....The reason I do it, because I just dont fucking feel enough just as I am. When I am honest and the real me, I am completely overlooked...I dont know why no one can see me. The one person who saw me and I mean really saw me...Left...and I have still not healed from that. That was 2 and a half years ago and I am still stuck here trying to understand what I did wrong. I feel so dysfunctional, unattractive and I just dont know what it is going to take to get to a place where I know my own worth. When do I see myself and love me just as I am. At work I have to put on a mask and it seems to perpetuate the problem. I am just at a loss.

I feel at this point I should just let Ceej go and not contact him again. It would lead to more lies and its best to just leave it alone. Even though he was going to spend the night, sleep with me and hang out...he would have left, that would have been it and I would have been left heartbroken because of how much I really like him. I keep reminding myself that all I am is a piece of ass to him...and even then I am someone that isnt even who I said I was.

Jon is with someone now. He really cares for her and I really feel this is the one for him. He is working harder to make this work than he ever has before...I missed out on so much when it came to him but I still cant let go of that feeling I felt when he looked at me. For the first time in my life I was OK...I was loved just for me...he didnt want anything from me and didnt want me to be anything other than what I was....probably he secretly wished I was prettier and thinner but he never said a word.

I just really feel disconnected from God right now. I think that is the place I need to seek for the answers.....

Namaste'